Come Fly Away

The day I have been waiting for has finally arrived... I will be boarding a plane to Christchurch, New Zealand this afternoon! I am all packed and ready to go. I have my New Zealand money, my passport and my clothes laid out. My phone, camera and laptop are charged. I bought some new slippers and flannelette pyjamas for those cold New Zealand nights. Hotels and car are booked.

Only problem, I woke up yesterday with a raging cold and today I feel miserable. I have that blocke-up-head-about-to-explode feeling. I am dosing myself up on drugs, so I am sure I will be fine. It is lucky that I booked nice hotels because I might be spending the first couple of days in bed watching movies and ordering room service!

I haven't had a cold since the day I started my new job over a year ago. Since then everyone at my work has had about 5 colds each and I have never caught one of them. I only seem to get sick when big things are happening. I get so nervous and excited that I seem to make myself sick! The flu has been going around a bit here lately too, but at least I know I won't get that because I had my flu shot a few months ago.

Anyway, sickness aside, I am really excited about this holiday. I have never been overseas or even on a holiday, so I am practically jumping out of my skin with excitement. I am spending the first 3 nights in Christchurch, the next 4 in Queenstown and the last 2 back in Christchurch. I won't be doing all that extreme sports that most people got to NZ for, it's not really my thing. I'll be extreme pampering and eating instead!

Holiday Goals:
Lose 10 kilos- tick
Fit into black winter jacket- tick
Fit into black trench coat- tick
Fit into jeans- tick

It Is Official, I am a Fu*kwit

So last night i went out to dinner with a few girlfriends and had some wine. Then we decided to go to a club. We danced and had a good time. I got REALLY drunk and for some reason left the club on my own. I tend to wander off when I get drunk, so that is not too unusual, but my friend had my purse. So I got into a taxi with no money, keys or phone. I am a bit hazy with my memory here, but the taxi driver was seriously dangerous. I think I must have realised I didn't have any money and he decided to get payment a different way... He took me to Footscray, which is the opposite direction of where I live (and dodgy) and said he was taking me to his place and wouldn't let me out of the taxi. All I can remember is screaming and crying hysterically the whole time to let me out. This went on for about an hour or so and eventually he let me go near my house without hurting me. I think my hysteria and begging freaked him out. I remember looking at the meter as I scrambled out of the taxi and it was well over $100, which I obviously didn't pay. After this whole experience I was totally sober again, fear seemed to have sobered me up.

It gets worse.

So now I can't get into my house because I have no keys (my flat mate is at his family home 4 hours away). I can't call anyone because I have no phone and I can't go anywhere because I have no money. I tried reverse charging calls to friends, but I don't know any ones numbers and directory service didn't have any of their numbers. It is now 4am and raining and freezing cold and I am really scared. I call the police and they say they might send someone to try and help. Then a weirdo walks past and offers to help (keep in mind I am at the pay phones outside the commission flats in Fitzroy- not a safe area). So the weirdo offers to smash my bedroom window to get me inside. I take him up on this offer and he smashes the window with a piece of wood from someones picket fence. He gets in and then lets me in the front door.

It gets worse.

The weirdo won't leave my apartment. He has decided that since he helped me (which I am really grateful for) that he is going to stay at my place. I am getting increasingly scared and panicked. Then the police turn up thank god. The police physically remove him and he is really angry at me and screaming. The police leave. The weirdo comes back and can get in because the window is broken. Now he decides he's not going to leave unless I give him money. Fine, but I have no money. My friend has my cash and my eftpos card. I have a credit card, but I don't even know how to get cash out on it. He doesn't believe me and I am just doing my best not to make him angry. So I am scared out of my mind. This goes on until 6.30am, we are just going back and forth, me asking him to leave, him telling me to give him money. Eventually I tell him that I will pay for a taxi to take him home if he will leave. So I call a taxi and give the driver my credit card and he says he will charge me $90 for the trip. Fine, whatever, just take him away.

So he is finally gone. It is 7am and the sun is rising. I lock the door and start moving my bed in front of the broken window and put my mattress up against it to try and secure the apartment. 5 minutes later someone knocks at the door, I am petrified, thinking he has come back. Luckily it was my friend with my purse. They had gone to a hotel with some guys doing god knows what, with god knows who. I just about broke down with relief to see her. She gave me my stuff and they left and I went and lay down on the couch. I was too scared to sleep, so I just watched some old tapes of Grey's Anatomy to try and calm down. Then I got really hot and noticed I had a weird blotchy rash all over my body and I had to have a cold shower to try and cool down (keep in mind it is winter here). I think it was just shock or stress. A guy is coming to fix the window tomorrow, I am not sure if I will be able to sleep tonight, I just don't feel safe. This is not a safe area to live in to begin with.

Anyway, I am sitting here watching Sleepless in Seattle and drinking apple juice to soothe my sore throat which is raw from screaming and crying. I just feel like such a fucking idiot for getting myself in this situation. I should never have left the club alone, or got in a taxi alone (I had an incident last year in a taxi and vowed not to get in a taxi alone at night again) or let some weirdo into my house. I am just grateful I got out of this situation unhurt, god knows how. I used to get myself into shit like this when I was 19 or 20, but I am 26 now, I really should know better. I will not be putting myself in a position for this to happen again, I have learnt my lesson once and for all.

Another Kilo Down

Yay! I somehow managed to lose another kilo this week, bringing me down to 104 kilos (228.8 lbs). I don't feel like I deserve it after the weekend I had, but I am happy to take it. I know all of the damage from last weekend might not have settled in, but hopefully I'll burn that off next week. It feels like double the victory this week because I have really started to lose motivation and almost everyday, at ever meal, I considered going off plan. So I have clawed my way through the week and I couldn't be happier that I made it!

I went shopping last night with mixed success. I could really feel the difference in some of the clothes I was trying on and depending on which shop I am in I range between a 20-24. I actually went to Big W, which I rarely ever do, and they had some really cute tops for $25 (the tops i buy from Myer are normally $90 at least!). I found their sizes to be quite small (well that is my excuse anyway...), but I recommend a look for any larger sized ladies out there with a Big W close by. I was just a little disappointed that I still struggled to fit into a lot of nice things or that they just looked awful on me, but miracles don't happen over night.

I am going out with some girlfriends tomorrow night. I have mentioned before that since I have gained weight I am not a fan of hitting the clubs on a Saturday night, I would much prefer dinner and some wine at a restaurant, some beers at the pub or even going to a nice bar. Night clubs are just not the friend of the fat girl. I'll just have to have quite a few vodkas to try and loosen up so that I can dance off some of the calories! Now what the hell am I going to wear...

NSV: Going to a shopping centre at dinner time and not eating from the food court or indulging in my biggest weakness- pink iced donuts from Donut King. Phew, can't believe I got through it!

Close Call

I came close to totally losing it over the weekend. It started off with my normal Friday night pig out on a burger and chips. Every time I get it I say "next time I won't get the chips, I don't really need them" and then I still get the chips because I can't say no to chips.

Then Saturday night I was supposed to go out with some girlfriends in Geelong (about an hour away), but it was cancelled. Unfortunately I had booked a non-refundable hotel room, so I still went with another friend. We went out for dinner at an Indian restaurant and I had prawn saag, onion bhaji and garlic and coriander naan, a bottle of red wine and then waffles for dessert from a chocolate shop. It was delicious and I don't really mind pigging out when I go somewhere nice and have a good time. It wasn't even about the food as much as having a nice night with a good friend.

As usual I took it too far. Sunday night came around and I got the 'I don't want to go to work tomorrow blues', so a friend and I went for a late night drive and got McDonalds (the new homestyle beef burger is really yummy!) and then Krispy Kreme donuts.

I always take things too far, I would have been so proud of myself if I could have just kept my blow out to Saturday night, why I had to make it a weekend eating extravaganza is beyond me.

The good thing is that I put a stop to it. On Monday I came close to getting fish and chips for tea and I stopped myself. I knew without a doubt that if I kept eating shit food this week that I would totally lose it and keep eating crap until my holiday. I even started to rationalise eating crap in my head, telling myself that maybe I should start eating before my holiday because I have been on a (mostly) liquid diet and my body will need to get used to eating food every day. Gees I can come up with some stupid excuses! Anyway I managed to stop myself in the end, but it was a close call. Now I am afraid of the scales on Friday!!!

Another 1.5 Kilos Down

So as you can see I have lost another 1.5 kilos, bringing me down to an even 105 kilos. I am excited about this, but still feeling cautious. Why is it when good things are happening I get skeptical? I happily take all the bad and say that I deserve it, but when good things happen I don't feel like I deserve it. I am looking at the scales the last 2 weeks and wondering what is wrong with them because I could not have possibly really lost that much weight. Don't get me wrong, I am happy, I am just scared to get too excited.

I was going to take a photo of myself on the scales this morning as per Fat Bridesmaid's challenge, but I am not a morning person and the whole idea of getting my camera out at 7.00am to take a photo was just too much for me. Maybe I'll be more organised and do it next week.

NSV: Today in Australia is Jeans for Genes Day and for the first time in the history of this charity day I am actually wearing jeans! Being a fat person who carries most of their weight around their middle make it almost impossible to find jeans that fit. Stretchy topped pants are the saviour for a body shape like mine because my legs and bum are literally 2 sizes smaller that my stomach. In the past I have made up all sorts of lame excuses for not wearing jeans like "I forgot" or "they are in the wash". Last year I told everyone at work I couldn't because I had a board meeting and it would not have been appropriate, which was technically true, but still just another excuse. To everyone else at my work wearing jeans is just a normal thing they do almost every day, for me it feels like a massive victory. I feel strange wearing jeans because I haven't done it in about 3 years, but for the first time in a long time I feel normal and like I fit in.

Now and Then

Lately I have been feeling like the more weight I lose, the fatter I feel. I look at myself in the mirror and my face looks fatter and I am more critical then usual of my body. I look at clothes that I wore at my current weight a few years ago and I think that they are way too tight and inappropriate to possibly wear in public. I am starting to wonder if I am actually really losing weight, so I thought I would do some little comparisons...

	Now	Then
Weight	106.5 kilos (234.3lbs)	128.5 kilos (282.7lbs)
BMI	40 - Obese	48 - Obese
Virtual Me

So I can tell from looking at all of that there that must be some changes. I can tell you my body is a lot more roly poly and stretch marked than the virtual models though! I think it'll make all the difference if I can just get another 10 kilos off. I remember way back when I was last under 100 kilos and it was when I started to have a bit more shape to my face and body and clothes started to fit better. So I just have to keep working at it. Here's to getting the next 10 kilos off and keeping them off!

Weigh Day

I weighed in this morning and the scales said I had lost 2 kilos the first 3 times I weighed myself, then 1.5 kilos the next 3 times I weighed myself. I am sick of this inconsistency on my scales, but either way I'll happily take either of those losses! I am going to count it as 1.5 kilos lost, bringing me down to 106.5 kilos.

It is strange, all week I have focused on seeing 107 on the scales and then the scale totally skips it and goes to 106- suits me though! Now I have 3 weeks to lose 3 kilos. It is doable, but I have to make sure I don't drop the ball.

Tonight is my break night and I can't wait. It has turned out to be very beneficial to have this day to look forward to because I have had a bit of a shit week at work and I would have broken my diet and pigged out for sure 15 times over if I didn't have this day to hold on for. Not sure what I am going to have, probably BBNT (Melbourne burger place, stand for Burgers, Burritos, Nachos & Tacos). I actually prefer Grill'd or Urban Burger, which are a couple of other nice burger places, but my flat mate is driving and he prefers BBNT. Who cares, I just want a burger and chips!

I think after we are going to go for a drive to visit my mum who is not very well and on the way get donuts from a drive thru donut place to take to my mum and gran and of course I might have one or two... I have been craving a pink donut like crazy because of all The Simpsons Movie posters and ads everywhere that feature that big pink donut- my absolute favourite! It is pretty sad when you start craving cartoon food!

Friday!!!

I braved the scales yesterday morning and found that I had lost half a kilo in the past couple of weeks. I am not quite sure whether my 4 day joy ride on food has taken full effect yet though...

I ended up going out after work last night for drinks. I wasn't planning on it, but I had a terrible day at work and I wanted to de-brief (bitch) with some colleagues. I am slightly annoyed at myself though because I spent far too much money and drank way too much and I didn't even have fun. I was so angry after the way a colleague spoke to me earlier in the day that I couldn't relax and I didn't even get drunk. I should have just gone home and watched a dvd and I would have felt a lot better. Oh well, it's done now.

I think I might just accept the fact that on Friday nights I am going to either go out and drink with friends or go home and watch a dvd and eat a pizza with my flat mate. I am sick of feeling guilty for doing this, but they are my favourite things to do on a Friday night after a long week of work. I am just going to allow myself to relax on Friday nights if I want to and stop feeling like a failure who can't control herself.

Taking this into account I have decided to change my weigh in day to Friday mornings, this gives me the longest possible time to get my weight back in control. I am not sure if that is cheating or not?! This also works in with meeting my weight loss goal that is set to finish on the morning I leave for my NZ holiday on Friday 17th August. So I have 4 weigh ins to go and I am hoping to lose 4.5 kilos, but I will be happy with 2 or 3 (that is what I am telling myself anyway). Mostly I would just like for my clothes to fit me, some of the are so close, but not quite there yet.

Not Again

Every time i start to do well on a diet and start to look and feel good I totally screw it up. Last Friday night was a bit of a turning point, I was dressed up and had my hair and make-up done for a work function and people were noticing I have lost weight. Then on Saturday I managed to squeeze into my jeans for the first time in ages and my mum and gran made a fuss about how much weight I have lost.

So what do I do? I eat non stop for the past 4 days.

Every time I feel good about myself I just seem to get too excited and totally drop the ball. I have heard people call this self-sabotage, but I am not sure if this is the case for me. I am so happy when I lose weight and feel confident and have so much fun, why would I do this to myself? Maybe there is a deeper reason for it, I just wish I knew what it was.

I think I have pulled myself into line today, hopefully I haven't done too much damage. I might put off weighing myself for a little while though, I don't need to see that shit.

The Power of Schmooze

Marshmallow has nominated me for the (she even came up with a custom version of the image that matches the new layout of this blog perfectly!)

Blogging Community Involvement Award

which says I Have The Power Of Schmooze.

schmooze or schmoose also shmooze - v. intr. To converse casually, especially in order to gain an advantage or make a social connection.

The extended definition is this:

The natural ability “to converse casually, especially in order to gain an advantage or make a social connection.” Good schmoozers effortlessly weave their way in and out of the blogosphere, leaving friendly trails and smiles, happily making new friends along the way. They don’t limit their visits to only the rich and successful, but spend some time to say hello to new blogs as well. They are the ones who engage others in meaningful conversations, refusing to let it end at a mere hello - all the while fostering a sense of closeness and friendship.

According to Marshmallow, I supposedly:

(have) become a great friend of (hers), and always writes the sweetest comments even when the topic is so incredibly mundane and (she) begin(s) to think that (she) should be throwing this blogging thing in altogether. And (I) trusted (her) enough to completely mess about with (my)Blogger template thing. ...that takes a lot of guts.

Here are the five people I think have The Power Of The Schmooze:

Marshmallow- Marshy was a huge support and great friend long before I started blogging (even though we have never met) and she has continued that support while I have been blogging. She always leaves thoughtful comments and gives great advice because she has been there and done that. Not to mention all the help she has given me with the actual blogging process!

Christine-Anyone who has been to Christine's blog has seen her gorgeous smile and the comments she leaves seem to exude that same sunshine and happiness. Her comments always make me smile!

Mellisa- Mellisa is very compassionate, I think she has been through a lot and it has made her not only tougher, but very empathetic. Not to mention she has already lost a stack of weight and looks after a family and a business- wow!

Megan- Megan is a sassy chick and she is doing an awesome job with her weight loss. She leaves really supportive comments and just has a great attitude to weight loss and life!

Abba- I can really relate to Abba's weight loss journey and her comments are just like her blog, honest and right to the point. She really tells it like it is and doesn't make excuses, she is real and I really understand where she is coming from.


I know some of you guys have already been nominated- and for good reason, but I still wanted to let you know how much your comments mean to me. I initially started doing this blog for myself, just to have an avenue to write down my feelings and thoughts about weight loss (and not bore my family and friends with it). I have been pleasantly surprised that anyone would read this, let alone leave thoughtful, kind and supportive comments. It means a lot to me, so thank you!