The Band So Far

I did a lot of reading and thinking about getting the lap band before before I went ahead with it. I thought I knew everything there was to know and what to expect, but it has still surprised me.

I don't really have the restriction I thought I would get from the band. I do follow my doc's instructions and eat only 2 small meals a day, but it doesn't keep me as satisfied as I thought it would. I don't ever get half way through dinner and then stop because I am so full. I guess I must still need more restriction put in the band, but at the same time, I don't want it to get too tight so that I have trouble swallowing certain foods. My biggest nightmare is that I would have to run out on a work lunch because I got some chicken caught in my band, so I am happy to take it slow.

The biggest way I can say that the lap band has helped me is that it has stopped my binge eating. I can still eat more than I should, but I generally don't because it is just too difficult. As soon as I think about ordering a pizza or buying a burger, I know there is no point because I'll have to take very small bites and eat it very slowly. It kind of takes the joy out of biting into a big juicy burger with the lot.

I can't lie and pretend that it doesn't make me sad that I can't kick back with a DVD while I mindlessly shove an Aussie pizza down my throat. I know it sounds gross, but I enjoy having the occasional pig out at home alone in my pj's. I could still eat an Aussie pizza, but it would take so long to eat that I just couldn't be bothered. I know it is probably for the best, but I do mourn my greasy food binges.

So while for the majority of the time I still have to watch every calorie I eat, use good old fashioned willpower and work my arse off at the gym, when it come to binging, the lap band has been my saviour.

More Humiliation

Yesterday I thought I would get up early and go for a walk around Albert Park Lake and then head to the South Melbourne Market to stock up on fruit and veg for the week. What better way to start the weekend? I was walking for less than 5 minutes when I tripped on a tree root and went flying onto the ground with all my weight landing on my sore knee. *pause for laughter*

I brushed myself off and kept walking as though nothing had happened (trying to be cool), but the next 10 minutes were a blur of self-hating thoughts. I cursed myself for thinking I could be the kind of person who can join all those fit and gorgeous people jogging around the lake. I was wondering what right a 110 kilo fatty like me had to be there with these skinny girls jogging in lycra tops and shorty shorts. I didn't feel any pain in my knee at all because I just felt like such a big fat oaf.

In the hour it took me to walk the 4.8 km around the lake I got my shit together and stopped feeling sorry for myself. Everyone looks silly when they fall over and who doesn't love a good fall? It's hilarious! Clearly I need to stop taking my fat so seriously and learn to laugh at myself more. I'll probably be giggling for the next week over this one!

Spring Fever

Is there anything more invigorating then when after a long and cold winter, the sun starts shining again? I don't really like the heat, but even I feel inspired by the onset of Spring. I'll probably want to shoot myself by January when the inevitable heat wave sets in, but right now it is lovely.

Today I went for a walk outside during my lunch break, not for exercise, but for the pure pleasure of getting fresh air and sunshine. I'm not sure if I have ever done that before. It felt weird to do something that involves exercise for enjoyment and because I genuinely want to, not feel I should.

Who knows, maybe I would like summer a whole heap more if I wasn't so fat. If I wasn't dealing with the chaffing and I could wear cute summer dresses. Maybe it wouldn't be all that bad?

Do you know that I have never had a 'skinny' summer? By skinny, I mean that I was under 100 kilos. All my best weight loss attempts seem to happen in winter and then I crash and burn in the summer. This year I want things to be different, I need things to be different. So I am going to be under 100 kilos by summer and I am going to stay under 100 kilos for the entire duration of summer. This means I can't starve myself to get there and then binge eat once I meet my goal. Been there, done that before!

***Mark my words, by December 1st I will be under 100 kilos***
That gives me about 3 months to lose 10 kilos- completely doable.

September Weigh In

I had my monthly weigh in this morning and I am now 109.8 kilos, which means I lost 4.7 kilos last month. Sounds good when you put it like that, so why was I disappointed?

I haven't been weighing myself at home, but when I see my doctor at the clinic they always weigh me, so I had an inkling of how things were going. Two weeks ago I was weighed at the clinic and I was actually 200 grams less than this morning- and the scales at the clinic weigh heavier than mine and I had a full stomach. So I was kind of hoping for a good number this morning and wasn't expecting to gain since that weigh in at the clinic.

I know there are about a million reasons for a gain, maybe it was because I have been working out so much, maybe I was bloated, maybe I am not eating enough... blah blah blah. Oh well, it sucks, but I am going to keep doing what I am doing because I know I am doing the very best I can. Plus, let's face it, 4.7 kilos is an awesome loss in a month and I can't really be disappointed with that.

I'll still keep away from the scales this month, mostly because I am still not interested in seeing any of the numbers the scale has to offer right now. I have seen the same numbers go up and down for the past 10 years and I am well and truly sick of them. Until I start seeing some virgin numbers, I'll get no joy from the scale!

All Good

Sorry if I sounded down in the dumps earlier this week. I don't mean to be such a downer all the time, I try to be brutally honest and sometimes it comes across being more negative than I intend.

I am not actually doing all that bad, if I do say so myself! I have been going to the gym 4-5 times a week all this month and it really doesn't ever cross my mind not to go. I have also being doing great with my eating, last weekend was just a slight blip on the radar. The good thing is that I always knew I would be ok. I just made a few impulsive and stupid food decisions, and that is ok, one thing I will never be is perfect.

I haven't been weighing myself, so I really don't know how all that is going, but I weigh in on the 1st of the month, so time will tell. I haven't noticed huge changes in myself or my clothes, but I don't really expect to at this stage. When you are as big as I am, it takes about 30 kilos before noticeable changes start to occur. As weird as it sounds, as soon as I get to 99 kilos, I suddenly get everyone noticing my weight loss. That is still a while off...

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My blogging and commenting has had to take a back seat because work has gone and blocked access to blogger, how dare they? I don't tend to get online at night anymore because going to the gym takes priority and I find when I turn the computer on it just sucks hours of time away. I am working from home today and taking the opportunity to get onto blogger!

Food Hang Over

Why is it that when your eating goes bad, all aspects of your life tend to unravel? I have been eating terribly for the last 3 days and somehow in those 3 days, I have also spent more money than I have in months. I am scared to get on the scales and I'm scared to check my bank balance right now! I did none of the things I had planned to get done over the weekend and my life feels disorganised and cluttered at the moment.

I also feel exhausted because my sleeping has been terrible and I am lethargic and completely unmotivated to do anything. I feel puffy and greasy and it makes me wonder if this is how I used to feel all the time and I just didn’t realise it. No wonder being fat is so freaking hard. I am drinking lots of water and eating lots of fruit today and heading to the gym tonight to shake off this revolting food hang over.

Up until the last few days, I hadn’t really tested the lap band to see if it had much restriction, turns out it doesn’t! I have been relying on will power for the past few months, but that all came crashing down around me over the weekend, like it always does eventually. So I obviously need to get some more fill put into the band and try to get this thing working.

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On another note, where have all my favourite bloggers gone? There are so many bloggers M.I.A. at the moment and I miss you! Please come back and let us know how you’re going. Don’t make me start naming names… ;-)

Band Update

I guess it is time for an update on how the lap band is going, for those of you who are interested. I got a 1 ml fill put in a couple of weeks ago, taking me up to 5 mls in a 10 ml band. The week after having this fill I wasn’t able to keep any food down at all and even having a smoothie was difficult. So I went back to the doctor on Monday and had half a ml taken out, so I am now back to 4.5 mls. So far, so good at this level. I can’t say that my hunger feels particularly satisfied at this level, but at least I have stopped bringing up my food. I am going to take getting fills very slowly from now on, I refuse to be put in anymore situations when I am eating with people and feel something get stuck. It is embarrassing and not pleasant. I ruined a perfectly nice drive along the great ocean road last weekend by getting a strawberry stuck and having to stand by the side of the road trying to bring it up for 30 minutes. Why did I eat a strawberry when I knew I couldn’t keep anything down? Because I am an idiot.

Since I have been banded over the last couple of months my diet has been very healthy, full of fresh vegetables, fruit and lean meats. It really is the healthiest I have been eating for years. Last week I went to the blood bank to donate plasma and they did the usual tests and noticed that my haemoglobin levels had dropped significantly since I last visited. They said if I was doing a normal blood donation that they would have to send me away because they are too low, but because I was donating plasma I was ok. When donating plasma they take the blood out and remove the plasma and platelets and then put the blood back in you, kind of a creepy and long process. Then last Friday I had a call from a doctor who had tested my blood and found I was dangerously low in iron and a few other technical things that went over my head. They are sending my results to me to take to my doctor for a proper review and apparently I can’t donate blood for at least 6 months.

The doctor who called me from the blood bank asked how I was feeling and if I felt more tired than usual. Of course I am freaking tired, who isn't? I guess I better get googling on ways to increase my iron levels. Have any other lap banders had this problem?

Blah Blah Blah

That is how I feel right now. Just blah.

I feel like I have nothing to say about anything. My life revolves around going to work and going to the gym right now. I am trying to eat healthy and save money. There is nothing interesting about any of that.

I just feel like staying in bed and being left alone at the moment. Going to work has been a mammoth effort, if I had any sick days left right now I would be taking them.

I am not really feeling down, just uninspired.

Maybe it is Seasonal Affective Disorder?

I need to get out of this slump and stop being so miserable.

Life's really not that bad.

I kneed advice*

When I got off my flight back from the UK a couple of weeks ago I had quite severe pain in my knee, presumably from not moving for 24 hours and sitting awkwardly in that small space. The pain has been persistent and when I googled "knee pain in flight" it became apparent I was GOING TO DIE. So when I went to the doctor to get some scripts re-filled I mentioned it and he diagnosed me with bursitis of the knee. It isn't serious, just annoying more than anything, mostly because it is getting difficult to exercise.

I am lucky enough to have never had knee problems and I really don't want to start now. I have been plagued with foot/heel problems (mostly because of my weight) and it really gets in the way. Despite my sore knee, I have been going to the gym 5 times a week and this really hasn't been helping. The doctor told me not to go to the gym for a week, but of course I smiled and said yes, then walked directly into the gym. The idea of not going to the gym actually scares me. I know that seems crazy because I have only been back at the gym for a couple of months and prior to that it had been years since I stepped inside a gym. I just know how easy it is for that switch to flick in me and never to go back- it has happened to at least 3 other gym memberships I have purchased in my time.

Since I have continued going to the gym I have managed to strain my hamstring and back on the same side as my sore knee because I have been moving awkwardly in order to protect my knee. So I have finally given in and realised that I need to have a break from exercise. I am sure there are lots of things I can still do that won't put strain on my knee and hamstring, but I haven't really thought of anything yet. Anyone got any ideas? Boxing? Swimming?

* I am sorry for that bad pun, but you know how hard it is to come up with titles.

August Weigh In

I weighed myself this morning for my first day of the month weigh in and I am 114.5 kilos, which is exactly 1 kilo up on last month. I am actually really happy that it wasn't much worse than this because I spent 3 weeks of the month not exercising and eating out for 3 meals a day. In the past I have been known to go away for a weekend and gain 4 kilos, so to only register a 1 kilo gain during my 3 weeks away is amazing.

I didn't think that my lap band was really giving me any restriction while I was away, but perhaps it gave me more restriction than I realised. I was often leaving quite a bit of food on my plate, but that was generally because the food I was eating really wasn't that nice and I couldn't be bothered eating it when it wasn't to my taste. Maybe pre-lap band I would have kept eating it anyway, I can't recall too many times in my life when I have gone out for dinner and left food on my plate, so this thing could be starting to work.

I am feeling good about the general direction the scales are going in, but at the same time I have lost interest in what they say at the moment. I find it hard to celebrate the same old numbers that I have been seeing while going up and down in weight over the past 10 years. I really don't think the scales will excite me at all until I finally get under 100 kilos and stay there.