"When given the opportunity to wear our 'normal clothes', everyone would go wild with glee. I would quietly go into a state of panic. I had no normal clothes. Whenever I went home after school, I would stay in my uniform until bedtime (driving my mother nuts)..."
My mum used to get so frustrated at me too because I would never take my uniform off. Even if we went out to dinner in the evening I would stay in my uniform. I remember applying for my first job in the local supermarket and going to the interview in my school uniform because I didn't have anything respectable to wear!
I hate to think back on all the experiences that I missed out on because I didn't have the 'right' clothes. I grew up in the country and at that time there were no shops at all that catered for plus sized girls or women. Thank god things are (slowly) changing now!
My mum tried to help out by lending me her clothes, making me clothes (unfortunately mum wasn't the best sewer...) or buying me clothes on her trips to Melbourne. She did her best, but I was never able to fit in with the other kids.
Even having a school uniform didn't make life much easier. In summer we wore sleeveless (!) pink dresses. I was so self conscious of my arms that I would wear my jumper all through the long hot summers. It barely ever got below 35 degrees and got as hot as 45 degrees in the summer where I grew up and I was asked by about 30 people a day "aren't you hot?". Of course I was hot, some days I felt like I would pass out, but my self consciouness won that battle. I also tried to wear bike shorts under my flimsy dress to hide my wobbly thighs, but I was forbidden from doing this because it was not part of the school uniform.
Winter wasn't much better as I had to wear the same skirt from years 7-12. By the time I was in year 12 the skirt was so tight that I had scarring around my waist from where it dug in and made me bleed. The school uniform shop didn't make uniforms in plus sizes and I had to wear a stiff blazer that was 3 sizes too small and a generic red polo t-shirt for sport, rather then the school logo emblazoned polo shirt because they didn't make it in my size.
One year I forgot it was school photo's and I turned up for school in my sport clothes (because I took every opportunity not to wear my skin tight skirt). The school made me go to the lost property box and find a uniform to wear from that. Obviously everything there was 12 sizes too small for me and I looked ridiculous. Then an hour later a girl from my class demanded we re-take the photo (her dad was vice principal) because she was late and had missed out, so I had to go and put the uniform on again and re-live the whole humiliating experience.
I was so self conscious that I didn't have trendy clothes that during high school I didn't go to any parties, school socials, do my deb ball, and I skipped school on casual clothes day and jeans for genes day and didn't go on excursions where you had to wear casual clothes. I made up all manner of excuses for this, but everyone could see through me and my lies and I know that even my good friends were laughing at me behind my back.
Even now at work I feel slightly panicked when we have to wear casual clothes. All the girls at my work complain that we don't have casual Fridays, but I am secretly relieved. Occasionally we are 'treated' to a casual clothes day and the familiar feeling of dread washes over me. I am much more comfortable in my professional work shirts and pants then trying to kep up with the girls in their tight tops and designer jeans.
I have come a long way though, I no longer feel like I have to have the 'right' clothes to fit in and I don't let myself feel judged by others because of what I wear.
I try not to live my life with regrets or to hold on to negitivity, but if I could do anything, it would be to go back and tell my 14 year-old self that I am ok and to just be myself.
OMG!! I was EXACTLY the same!! I would stay home on 'free dress' days because I had nothing that would compare to my mates. Back then it was the body suits and jeans .... not a good look for a larger girl. The parties I missed and the trips to the pool, all because of how I looked. The shame of it! The night of our year 12 graduation, I was on the train travelling to another town to visit my grandparents so I wouldn't have to dress up in a oversized tent, being the biggest there! I regret that so much!
ReplyDeleteI have a nephew that wears a jumper all day everyday to hide his large body. I have tried to explain to him it is doing no justice for him but he will not listen. This is a horrible cycle, I will not allow my children to feel like I did growing up. I would do anything to change that part of my life.
Mellisa
Hi Mellisa,
ReplyDeleteI know what you mean about year 12 formals, I was the only girl that didn't wear a dress- something that a bitchy girl from my class felt the need to point out. I have missed out on so many balls and parties because I didn't have a dress. Crazy how we put our lives on hold because of a silly piece of fabric.
I can see from reading your blog that you will teach your kids good habits and your girls won't have the same issues that we have because they will have you as a positive role model.
That is so awful. SO AWFUL. Who knew school uniforms contained so much drama? What bastards make something a requirement but then don't make it in a large variety of sizes? That's absurd.
ReplyDeleteTully, I wish you lived closer. I would take you clothes shopping. It's all about finding something that you feel comfortable in, then matching it with the hottest clothes trends. The key is that you have to find something comfortable first. Perhaps you could find clothes that are like your work clothes, but try different colors of fabrics. It's a start. Oh how I wish we could shop together. I love taking friends shopping!
ReplyDelete"Even having a school uniform didn't make life much easier. In summer we wore sleeveless (!) pink dresses. I was so self conscious of my arms that I would wear my jumper all through the long hot summers. It barely ever got below 35 degrees and got as hot as 45 degrees in the summer where I grew up and I was asked by about 30 people a day "aren't you hot?". Of course I was hot, some days I felt like I would pass out, but my self consciouness won that battle." - Quote from Tully
ReplyDeletewhereabout did you grow up and what was the name of the school that required you to wear that
sleeveless (!) pink dresses as the school uniform?
Sleeveless and pink isn't the worst I've seen - I saw brown and canary yellow as one torrid colour combination and sea green and purple(!) Those poor kids!
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