Tuesday, May 29, 2007

Down & Out

I've got a day off from work today for a study day. I have already finished all my assignments, so it is pretty much a bludge day. I have now officially finished uni forever! I don't think it has sunk in yet because I am not that excited. I guess it will sink it more when I realise I an have my weekends and evenings back.

I am in a bit of a down frame of mind at the moment. It is a combination of lots of things, work, family, friends and weight.

I am increasingly unhappy at work because of the way people treat me. I am an assistant and I am just so sick of being treated like an idiot and doing other peoples dirty work. I mean I now almost have a Master's degree (pending graduation in October), so I feel like I can handle more then making coffee and fixing the photocopier. All this wouldn't be so bad if people could treat me a bit more respectfully. I am close to losing it at someone and already got in a little trouble last week for giving some attitude to a colleague when I told her "It would be a joy" (with a sarcastic tone) to book a restaurant for her.

In terms of family, both my mum and brother have bipolar and my brother isn't doing too well at the moment. I am a worrier at the best of times, but currently I am almost in knots with worry. I just don't know what is going to happen, he is also addicted to marijuana and alcohol which obviously makes the situation much worse. He refuses treatment or medication, so I am starting to think that I may have to involuntarily commit him to a mental health institute.

I have previously mentioned the death of my flat mates father earlier this year. He is coping ok, but my heart is just breaking for him every day. I just wish I could do something to help, but I feel lost and I know that nothing I can do will help. I just wish with all my heart that he didn't have to go through this.

My weight is an ongoing issue (well duh!). I feel like this is just so hard and I don't think I can continue the way I am going. I am exercising every day and eating healthy, but it isn't coming naturally. It is hard work and I just feel like life shouldn't be this hard. I shouldn't have to dread this weekend because I will be eating out every meal from Friday-Sunday for my dad's birthday weekend away. I should be able to enjoy the time with my family and not obsess over strategies for avoiding food and where I will find time to exercise and what the scale is going to say next week. I am so sick of missing out on life because I am avoiding food.

Thinking about all those other issues that are stressing me out makes me feel so self absorbed and shallow to even talk about my weight.

Anyway, I think getting that off my chest will be a big help. Spending the rest of the afternoon on the couch watching TV will also be a good tonic! I am sure I will feel a lot better in an hour and feel embarrassed of my whinging. :-)


  1. Must have felt good to get that off your chest. Sounds like some heavy times for you. My job is crap sometimes too - I work in health care in a close space with wayyyy too many women. Lots of back stabbing and nasty talk - I certainly have bad days. Just make sure that no one disrepects you...tell them you got this friend in Canada who is going kick their butt in the parking lot! You feel better okay? Keep blogging!

  2. Oh darlin'.... I hope things get better for you! As for putting your brother in an institution, it may be hard but you have to do what is best for him and his health. Marijuana and alcohol combined for anyone is a deadly mixture.
    I feel for your flat mate, I lost my brother in '98 and I am not the same person I was. I must say tho, time is a healer, it does get easier. I understand that losing a brother is not the same as a father but it still hurts. Give him a great big hug and let him share his thoughts .... talking is great medicine!!
    Chin up chookie ....... YOU'VE FINNISHED UNI!!!! YAY!!!

  3. A HUGE CONGRATULATIONS for finishing university! And as for stressing out about food.. if your head is in the right place and you really really want to lose the weight, then you should be fine! Once I made up my mind to "be good" and stick to my diet, and I knew it was totally up to me, and not because of other peoples' influences... it was as simple as to go out and not go off track and blow it! Knowing you are doing it for yourself, cos you want to be thinner is an empowering feeling mate....you just have to want it more than anything else. DO YOU??? Just cos the food is in your face does not mean you have to eat it.... make "wise" choices, have very small portions, and drink lots of non alcoholic fluids... not I did not say water? I never drink water.

  4. Congrats on finishing Uni forever!! woohoo how exciting...

  5. Biiiiiiiiiiig Hugs to you Tully! I'll be in the same boat as you pretty soon, and like you, its not really sinking in yet. At the moment I'm dreading waking up 'early' and coming home 'late', but then it'll be a completely different lifestyle when I have absolutely NOTHING in the way of work to bring home with me. It'll sink in in time.

    I feel so horrible for the way you are being treated at your work - is there anyone in the organisation that you can talk to about the way you feel? Perhaps something along the lines of 'I believe I am more capable of the jobs I'm being given, and want to offer more to the company'?

    You are such a sweet and caring person, and that comes through in your concern for your brother and your flatmate. I know that saying 'try not to worry' will have little effect, but do try?

    You have a good time at your Dad's birthday weekend. God knows you deserve it. We ALL deserve to be able to go out and have a good time - and if it reflects on the scales, it's only temporary, while the memories you have of a great time will be with you forever. [Though honestly, I wouldn't totally jump on board with Chris's 'no water' policy; I find I feel so much better with H20 in me]

    Thank you SO much for sharing all of this with us, Tully. Don't feel like you have to justify yourself, and you shouldn't feel embarrassed. Its great to just get it out, and I'm glad that you did :-)

  6. Kick your feet up and rest. Congratulations on finishing Uni. I am going to guess that you graduated from college? I'm a dingy one from the states, so you will just have to bear with me.

    You should never have to tolerate anyone making you feel like an idiot. Doing others' dirty work isn't the answer. Stand up for yourself and tell these people how they make you feel. Everyone deserves respect.

    You have a lot going on right now. Take time for yourself whenever you get the chance. Keep your head up. You are beautiful!


Awww thanks so much for the comment!