Reverse Resolution?

I only ended up staying on the Optifast for two days before I realised there was more to life than being EXTREMELY hungry. A while back I wrote a post about how, for me, this whole diet and exercise caper is easier at my current lower weight, than when I was at my biggest. One major thing I neglected to consider was mentioned by Erin in the comments…

“When I was 101kg (seven years ago - I lost 25kg and have since regained up to 92kg), I was so very desperate to lose the weight. I hated everything about my body, and I knew that I was really putting myself in danger by carrying on with my binge-eating, non-exercising ways.

Now, though? I don't hate my body. I look in the mirror and think that I don't look too bad (though I hate how I look in clothes, strangely). I can't help but wonder if the fact that I don't hate the way I look is making it harder for me to lose this 15kg.

I'm not saying that someone should have to wait until the point of pure and utter self loathing before they do something about their weight problems, but I do have to wonder whether there is a correlation between my opinion of self and my desperation to lose.”

Smart girl. Why didn’t I think of that?

I have now lost 50 kilos (do I sound like a broken record always going on about that?) and I have lost the desperation I once had to lose weight. When I was at my biggest I would drag my arse to the gym because I was filled with self-loathing and wanted to change. Now, it is very easy to say "meh, I’m not that bad. I’m going to stay home and watch TV."

The thing is, I’m not sure I want to change that attitude. Yes, I still need to lose anywhere between 10-20 kilos, but there is no hurry. If I lose 1 kilo a month this year, and keep it off, I would consider that a massive success.

The last 18 months where I have been trying to lose weight with my lap band, I have been constantly disappointed in my results. I would work really hard and only lose 3 kilos a month. It wasn’t the numbers that disappointed me so much, it was the fact that I felt deprived all month and that 9/10 out when I exercised I really didn’t want to. I felt that I should have had better results considering how depressing I found the process.

I am now at the point where I would much rather lose 1 kilo a month and feel fulfilled by food, life and exercise, than lose 3 kilos and be miserable. I have spent my whole life pushing myself to lose weight and now I think it’s time to begin a life of balance. A life where healthy eating and exercise is combined with a good dose of chocolate and laziness. Without guilt.

I must be the only weight loss blogger right now to be pledging that I will be eating more and exercising less in 2011!