Friday Weigh In- 29 June

Start: 87.5 kilos (192.5 lbs)
Last week: 83.6 kilos (184 lbs)
Today: 83.2 kilos (183 lbs)
Loss: - 0.4 kilos (0.9 lb)
Total: -4.3 kilos (9.5 lbs)

I am still not eating a huge amount, but the weight loss really slowed down a lot this week. I count myself lucky that I was able to lose so much the last two weeks because my PCOS body does not usually let me lose anything like a kilo a week. I guess it helped that I wasn't able to eat food at all...

The last few days I have started to feel some severe diet burnout. The first few weeks of a diet I feel so motivated and like I can conquer the world. From there the motivation begins to wane until I am at the point where I can barely remember why I am doing this whole thing. Constant hunger and sweet cravings get the better of me and I just want to curl up with a tub of ice cream and say 'screw the diet'.

I'm not going to do that though. I tried on what I thought was my 'fat' dress the other day and I couldn't get the zip done up at all. It made me realise just how much weight I had gained in the past year. This was the black dress I wore whenever I felt the kilos creeping back on and always fit me through thick and thin. Now I can't get the zip done up and I needed assistance to peel the dress off because it was so tight.

I really didn't think I had gained that much wight. So it prompted me to go through my blog to find out how much I weighed this time last year. In my head I thought I was really fat, but I found a post from 1 July 2011 that said I was 77.1 kilos (169.5 lbs). Shit. I would kill to be back at that weight. Why did I think I was so hideously overweight last year?

And, how in the world did I let myself gain over 10 kilos in a year while I have a lap band? Holy crap I have some work to do. No time to curl up with ice cream and feel sorry for myself.

Me in my 'fat' dress last year

Food For Thought

The interesting thing about having my band so tight at the moment is that it has given my head a much need break. I normally torment myself every waking minute with thoughts of food. I am always thinking about when I can next eat, what I am going to eat and how much I can eat. Right now with my band so tight I know I can't eat most foods and so there is just no point even thinking about it.

This head conversation will happen almost everyday at some point:
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'I want pizza for dinner?'
'No, must have fish and vegetables'
'I just don't care anymore, I want pizza, I am going to get a pizza'
'Why can't I just stick to this diet and not eat like a pig?'
'It's been a rough day, pizza will make everything feel better'
'But I will feel worse after I eat the pizza and hate myself'
'What if I make a healthy homemade pizza'
'I don't want healthy pizza, I want mounds of delicious cheese'
'Are you crazy, there is about 2 days worth of calories in one pizza'
'If I get pizza I can also get a block of chocolate to eat after'
'What if I just get the pizza and not the chocolate...'
'Screw it, if I am having pizza, I am having chocolate too'

1 hour later....

'Oh god, I hate myself'

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This doesn't happen only once a day either, it goes around and around in my head constantly from the moment I wake up, until I fall asleep (and dream of cake).

• I pack my lunch and look at the tin of tuna and wonder if I should buy a nice hot lunch at work instead
• I walk toward work and past the cafe that does the amazing potato cakes and think I should get some for a snack
• I eat my breakfast and calculate how many hours until I can eat my lunch
• Someone brings in cake to work and I think about whether a small sliver will send me off track
• Colleagues ask me if I want anything from the noodle shop for lunch and I wonder if just once will hurt
• I eat my lunch and calculate if I have enough calories for an afternoon snack today
• Afternoon rolls around and by god some chocolate would make this day so much sweeter
• It's almost time to leave work and I wonder if I should stop at the supermarket on the way home to get something nice for dinner
• I get home from work and realise I still have about an hour and a half before it would be reasonable to eat dinner and contemplate a pre-dinner snack
• Now the dinner torment begins (see head conversation above)
• I prepare myself a healthy dinner and kick myself because I know I served up more than I should
• I finish my dinner and immediately think about dessert
• I know I don't have enough calories left for dessert, but I would kill for some chocolate now
• How bad would it be if I ate some ice cream?
• By the time I go to bed I am quite hungry again and I seriously contemplate a late night maccas run for a cheeseburger

This is on a healthy day... you do not even want to know the thoughts that go through my mind on an unhealthy day!

So while it has been difficult to have my band so tight that I can barely eat, it has been a very welcome relief from these thoughts that torment me. Right now the only decision I have to make is what kind of soup I should have for dinner. Such a relief.

Source

Friday Weigh In- 22 June

Start: 87.5 kilos (192.5 lbs)
Last week: 85 kilos (187 lbs)
Today: 83.6 kilos (184 lbs)
Loss: - 1.4 kilos (3 lbs)
Total: -3.9 kilos (9 lbs)

It is pretty obvious from my weight loss this week that my band is still way too tight. Over the weekend it seemed to loosen up a little and I could eat mushy foods and get liquids down fine. Even on Monday it was OK, but all of a sudden on Monday afternoon it shut up completely and I couldn't get anything down. It has since been on again, off again all week. Normally the band only tightens up when I am sick, have PMS or I'm anxious, I have never had it randomly tighten and loosen for no reason. Strange...

Earlier in the week when the restriction loosened up I thought I would be fine and wouldn't need an un-fill so I put off making an appointment. I can see now that I will need to get some fill removed regardless because I just can't deal with waking up and discovering I can barely get liquids down today. It is just not the way I want to live so I have made an appointment to get some fill out, but I can't get in for a couple of weeks because I need a Saturday appointment.

The good news is that I have actually been at peace with all these restriction troubles. Normally I end up getting frustrated and pushing the band by trying to eat things I shouldn't. Over the past two weeks I have stuck to liquids and mushy foods and I have stopped eating as soon as it is clear that food isn't going down, instead of persisting and then having to vomit. I have only had to PB once and that was on water when the band first went crazy tight and took me by surprise. I have also managed to stick to no calorie liquids (except protein shakes) and have avoided ice cream and chocolate completely, which is an amazing feat for me!

My head is in the right space at the moment which has helped a great deal in this situation. Seeing the scales go up to close to 90 kilos a month ago when I weighed myself for my 3-year band anniversary really shocked me into action. I could just see that I was in the moment where I could decide if I was going to weigh 130 kilos again or get back down to below 80 kilos. I am just so glad I am focussing my energy on getting my weight back down, rather then back up again.

Friday Weigh In- 15 June

Start: 87.5 kilos (192.5 lbs)
Last week: 86.2 kilos (189.5 lbs)
Today: 85 kilos (187 lbs)
Difference: - 1.2 kilos (2.5 lbs)
Total: -2.5 kilos (5.5 lbs)

I lost 1.2 kilos this week, which is good, but not as much as I was expecting given I have barely had any food or liquids in me for almost a week. I was kind of hoping that a positive from my tight band situation would be I would miraculously drop 2-3 kilos. I guess my body is holding onto everything it can get right now. Honestly though, I will just be happy if I maintain that loss after my band loosens up and I can re-hydrate my body again.

The good news is that my band is feeling slightly better. Last night I was able to eat some peanut butter (it was like heaven!) and suck on a slice of cheese. This morning I have had a cup of tea and my water is going down much better. Hopefully by the end of the weekend I will be back to normal.

I am super excited that I am just a whisker away from being under 85 kilos again. Being on the wrong side of 85 did not make me feel good. I know I start feeling more like myself when I am under 80 kilos, so I am getting there. I can't believe I used to feel fat at 80 kilos, I swear I will never complain to be 80 kilos again! This weight gain was actually good in giving me some perspective.

On a different topic, I have decided I need to get serious about my vitamins (well, when I can swallow food again) because I am just too depleted all the time and it is exhausting. Realistically I will need a chewable vitamin because I just can't get those big suckers down and there is nothing worse than a vitamin stuck in the band. *shudder* Does anyone have any vitamin recommendations or warnings? The chewable ones in the chemist are mostly made for children and are just not very potent for what I need. I was thinking of trying some of the Bariatric Advantage or Celebrate Bariatric Supplements, has anyone tried these? Do you think they actually help?

Thanks for letting me pick your brain. You would think 3 years post-band I would know this stuff by now... 

Bad Fill

I've had a few bad fills in my time, but this could be up there with the worst. On Saturday I had 0.3 mls put in my 10 ml band, taking me to 5.9 mls, which is a fill level I have been at before. On Saturday and Sunday I was getting blended soup and ice cream down pretty well. I could feel the restriction, but it didn't seem too tight at that point. Then Monday I woke up and could barely get my cup of tea down at midday. As the day went on I got tighter and tighter and by the time I went to bed I was vomitting up water.

Since then I have not been able to eat anything and I have struggled to get down any more than a glass of water each day. I take tiny sips and the water sits on top of my band for about 20 minutes and then slowly goes down.

I feel absolutely miserable and have had a constant headache all week, which is great when you sit in front of a computer under fluroscent lighting all day. I honestly can't even see straight half the time. Not to mention it feels like I have concrete shoes on because my legs are so heavy and tired. Yes I am probably being a tad dramatic.

I need to get an un-fill, but it has been impossible this week at work to take any time off. I am trying to get a time for Saturday, but I have an important construction meeting for my house to attend that I will actually be charged if don't attend. At this stage it is looking like Wednesday next week will be the first chance I have to make the trek out to the suburbs for an unfill. Who knows though, the band might settle between now and then and I'll be fine?

In the meantime, I can't read any food blogs or watch the food channel on TV, it is torture!!!

Fill Time

I have had a difficult time getting the restriction level of my band correct. In the three years that I have had the lap band I don't think I have ever got to that elusive green zone where I feel satisfied by food and don't get stuck when I eat. I am either too tight and can't eat yoghurt without vomiting or too loose and can still eat a whole pizza without too much trouble.

Earlier this year I had 0.3 mls removed from my 10 ml band so that I would have an easier time getting food down. Unfortunately I had too easy a time eating and my weight has shot up. So on Saturday I went back to my lap band clinic and asked for the fill to be put back in.

I had been putting off going for a fill because I hate having to tolerate the advice that goes with it. I saw a new doctor, who was perfectly nice, but she just went ahead and assumed that I was a moron. She seemed to think I had gained weight because I didn't know how to eat properly and thought I should go to see the clinic nutritionist (who charges $90 for a group session). I tried to explain that I ate very well day-to-day and that the issues I had were with emotional binge eating. She didn't listen and started to give me advice like this:

• You could try eating minced meat instead of steak or chicken
• Lentils are a great meat substitute
• You should order soup from restaurants when you go out
• Try to eat slower and chew your food very well

Wow... just how stupid does she think I am after having a lap band for three years... I attempted to explain, once again, that I am doing all of this but that I also eat uncontrollably past the point of feeling full and I don't know why. After this finally sunk in with her, her only response was that the lap band can't help with those problems. Duh. Then she told me at least five more times that I should see the nutritionist, gave me my fill and probably hoped she didn't have to see me again.

I feel like every time I see the doctors at my lap band clinic that they are really uncomfortable when I mention the troubles I have with emotional eating. They don't want to hear that the lap band can't solve all weight problems and that I am struggling.

Oh well, at least I got the fill in my band so hopefully I'll have a better chance of stopping this emotional over-eating. I had 0.3 mls put in and I now have 5.9 mls in a 10 ml band. Let's see how this goes...

Friday Weigh In- 8 June

Start: 87.5 kilos (192.5 lbs)
Last week: 86.9 kilos (191 lbs)
Today: 86.2 kilos (189.5 lbs)
Difference: - .7 kilos (1.5 lbs)
Total: -1.3 kilos (2.5 lbs)

It's time for my weekly weigh in for my Final 15 challenge and the results are mixed. I did lose 0.7 kilo this week, but I did not do it the right way...

Last week I talked about how I had a gain after a weekend of terrible eating and bingeing. I had really hoped that I could do better this week, but I somehow managed to do worse. I did not even think it was possible to do worse, but I guess I am kind of like a superhero of terrible eating and I surprised even myself.

I won't get into the nitty gritty of what went wrong because there is no real reason for why I started to eat and couldn't stop. I don't know why I keep eating until I am physically ill and can't even sleep because of the pain in my stomach. It just seems so crazy to me that I can want to lose weight so much and have every reason in the world to suceed and yet I keep failing. It is such a shameful process to keep going through.

After 4 days of binge eating I woke up on Tuesday morning and just knew something had to change. I took the drastic step of resorting to protein shakes for breakfast and lunch for the rest of the week (with normal dinners). I just felt like my body needed a reprieve from food and drinking the shakes didn't feel like a punishment, it felt refreshing.

So by doing the shakes I managed to turn my week around and actually lose 0.7 kilos instead of gaining about 3 kilos. Thank god. I obviously don't want to have to continue on this binge and starve cycle because it is not good for my body so I am hoping determined that this week I will do better.

This is me today as I write this at work at 86.2 kilos. It'll be at least another 6 kilos until I start to lose the bloat in my face and fit into any of my clothes again but I am determined to get these Final 15 kilos off.

My Favourite Things

Picture me like Oprah dancing about on stage screaming about my favourite things. Except I had to pay for these products and I don't have any to give away. So this probably isn't quite as exciting... but bear with me because these products might just blow your mind like they did mine.

I have wanted to try these products for ages because I had read about them on other blogs or health articles but unfortunately they are all only sold at Woolworths here in Australia (in my area anyway) and I don't have a Woolworths that is teribly convenient so it has taken me ages to get hold of these products. They are all well worth the trip though!

Firstly is this Vitarium Sugar Free Hot Chocolate which has been a godsend on these cold winter nights. It has about 8 calories and 2 carbs per serve and it is creamy and delicious, honestly, you wouldn't know it was low sugar! It is so good that I always feel guilty after I drink it and have to remind myself this stuff is healthy and natural.

This product has BLOWN MY MIND. It is called Slim Pasta and it is pasta made from a vegetable called konjac. Sounds gross right? Wrong. I thought it was delicious when I made it topped with a bolognese sauce. The most exciting thing about this pasta is that it only has 8 calories and less than a gram of carbs per serve. See why my mind is blown now? I was able to eat a big bowl of it and get that nice heavy and full feeling that eating pasta gives you. Warning on this product though, I love it, but I have heard other people are not quite as fond of it as I am, but they are crazy...
They have some yummy looking recipes on thier website too!

Of course everyone has heard of Chobani, but we have only recently been blessed with this product in Australia. I bought myself one of each of the flavours my store had and I have found them all to be delicious. My favourite was probably the passionfruit, but why oh why must people put passionfruit seeds in food? I find it so off-putting. This yoghurt has about the normal fat, calorie and carb count of any yoghurt, but the difference is that it is extremely thick and creamy (yum) and is packed with protein. Each tub has 14-18 grams of protein, which is just amazing for us lap banders that need to work at getting our protein. These will definitely become a regular for me when I can afford it, at $1.99 per tub they are not something I can afford to eat every day.

So those are my current favourite things. Sorry if I sound like an advertorial! Let me know if you have tried any of them and what you think.

Friday Weigh In- 1 June

Well this has been a very bad start to my Final 15 attempt...

Start: 87.5 kilos (192.5 lbs)
Last week: 86.6 kilos (190.5 lbs)
Today: 86.9 kilos (191 lbs)
Difference: + 300 grams (0.5 lbs)

I had planned to eat off-plan last Friday night for a family trip to the footy. I knew lots of alcohol and greasy footy food would be involved and that was fine because one off-plan meal a week does not hurt. In fact, it is mandatory for me! Unfortunately one night somehow turned into an entire weekend of absolutely terrible eating.

After one too many drinks on Friday night I was a little hungover on Saturday and AJ decided to be nice and buy me my favourite hangover foods. I had no resistance and I pretty much ate all the food in the photo below over the course of the weekend. It was equal parts delicious and sickening.

I am disappointed in myself for making such poor choices over the weekend. Well, actually it wasn't so much what I ate (even though it was totally calorific), but the volume of food I consumed. It is one thing to throw caution to the wind and indulge in your favourite foods and enjoy it, but it's completely stupid to eat past the point of comfort for 2 whole days. I get so frustrated at myself for continuing to eat well past the point that I feel sick to my stomach. What in the hell is wrong with me?

On a positive note, I am happy that I managed to limit the damage by getting back on plan this week. It could have been so much worse than a 300 gram gain so I am grateful for small mercies. Fingers crossed I manage to get through this weekend without eating the entire biscuit aisle again.