Sunday, January 21, 2007

I Deserve New Clothes!

Flush from the thrill of my shirt feeling looser a few days ago, I went shopping today and bought 2 new tops! So with the new top I bought from Target a few weeks ago and the top I bought to wear to my office Christmas party, I have 4 news additions to my wardrobe.

For the past 6 months at my new job I have had to plan a week in advance what I was going to wear every day because I only had about 5 tops. So I would watch the weather report for the week and work out which days I should wear my heavier tops and which days would be hotter, so I should wear my short sleeved tops.

It wasn't that I haven't been looking for new work clothes, I just couldn't find anything I liked. Fat peoples clothes are so expensive, and I refuse to spend $80 on a top that is ugly, so I have been holding out for clothes that I like. I also have an awkward shaped body (doesn't everyone...) in that I have a big belly and smaller arms, legs, chest bum. I am the classic apple. It makes it very difficult to find clothes that fit nicely.

So, with the new additions to my wardrobe, I now have about 9-10 wearable work tops and I suddenly feel like I have a new found freedom!!! :-) It takes me back to when I was 18 years old and at my lowest adult weight (not sure the weight exactly, but I was an Australian size 14). I had just started uni and saved up all my money and gone on a HUGE shopping spree. I used to wake up in the morning and be excited about getting dressed because I had no many gorgeous clothes to choose from.

After that year I steadily gained weight and pretty much refused to buy any clothes in a larger size. I kept buying size 14 clothes and just left them in my wardrobe with the tags on, with the delusion that I would lose weight and they would fit me (I eventually gave them to the salvo's). I had a few "fat clothes" that would see me throughout every season. In fact, for every year and every season I could probably identify that one outfit that I would continually wear. In a strange way, those few items of clothing became like friends to me because I would rely on them to get me through some very tough times. A party or a job interview or something would come up where I would have to wear something other then trackie daks and I would be so grateful for "that sparkly red top" or "my good black shirt". By the end of the season they would be so faded, strectched and worn out that they had to chucked out.

Over the last year I have changed how I think about myself and my body. In the past I would never buy myself new clothes because, apart from thinking I was going to lose 20 kilos and it would be a waste of money to buy anything in my current size, I didn't think I deserved nice clothes. I thought that I was fat and worthless and did not deserve to spend money on myself or to look nice until I lost weight.

It wasn't just clothes that I thought I didn't deserve, I thought I didn't deserve to have friends, to be seen in public, to have a good job or even to get my hair cut. I always told myself that when I lost weight, then I would get to do/have these things.

About this time last year I started to change. I remember I was talking to my dad on the phone and he asked me if I had applied for any jobs lately. I said no, but described to him a great job that i had seen advertised. He was excited and asked when I was going to apply for it. I thought he was crazy and said that of course I was not going to apply for it because no one would give a great job like that to me. My dad was shocked and started telling me how lucky they would be to have me and how good I would be at it etc etc (you know all that stuff parents have to say...).

Anyway, it finally hit me and something just switched in my brain. I applied for the job, had 2 interviews with them, got down to the final 2 people, but didn't get the job. That was OK though because I had started to make the change. It was another 6 months before I got a great job (I did work in between, but in a shitty call centre job), but I did get one.

In the space of a year I have become a completely different person. I have a great job, I have made some awesome friends, I am happier, I laugh more, I don't hide away at home, my wardrobe has tripled and I even get regular hair cuts! I am still incredibly self conscious about my weight and occassionally lapse back to my old ways because it is a constant struggle, but I am working to accept myself- fat or thin.

I can't wait to wear my new tops to work this week!!!!!


  1. Its fantastic that you've finally realised that you are worth it NOW and not just when you lose weight.

    I know what you mean regarding the clothes - I went through a period of time where I had five tops - all of them the same style, just different colours, and I had to try and be extra creative with wearing different scarves and jewellery to try and make the same thing look different. I wasn't fooling anyone.

    And I don't think I'm totally out of that mentality either, even though I can wear a size 16 now - I still find a style I like and will get five colours in it and tend to rely on it; almost like a walking stick - it supports me but it cripples me to the same extent.

    I bet you're itching to wear those new clothes to work! You DO deserve it :-D

  2. Hi Tully,
    This is Christy from ...about a girl too...

    First of all, thank you for your comment. Secondly-damn it girl... I HEAR YA abuot the clothes thing. I used to be in shape in my early 20's and I loved clothes shopping and never had many problems...

    Now I don't even bother. I hate the majority of my wardrobe but had to buy those clothes to have something to wear. Bigger clothes are more expensive...and it's just not feasable.

    I love their excuses too... "excess fabric costs more"
    Well, then why does an infant's winter coat cost the same as an adults? Anyway...I could go on about that... he, he...

    I hope you do learn to love yourself despite what the scale says. I am struggling with it as well...but I have faith we can do it!

    I heard someone, somewhere say to concentrate on the body you have NOW. Find something to love about it...whether it's a particular part-maybe shapely legs or lucious breasts... (ha, ha...) and work to accentuate those... and buy clothes that you only love...

    These clothes will make you feel good about yourself, which will lead to positive self-esteem...and will actually help you take better care of yourself...which may help with the exercise/diet thing.

    So, I am going to completely clean out my wardrobe and only keep things I would buy again... and toss everything else. I also read to ditch those clothes we hang onto for that "someday"...unless it's only a size or two down... Because having them around only depresses rather than motivate.

    Anyway...good luck and I will check in on you too. I will add you to my linky area also...


  3. Hi Tully :)

    Glad to meet you, my new sister on this journey!

    I see that our Marshmallow has already given you a taste of her sweetness - (waving hello to Raina as well as to you)

    New Year's Day is the ultimate time for a person to begin a brand new lifestyle, my dear!!! It appears that you already have a lot of "news" going for you - new job, new diet program, new clothes and new year. :D Congratulations on your decision to do this blog and you better BELIEVE that you're worth everything good in this life!!!!!

    I too have been on liquid diets and have been through the feelings of gaining the weight back. I know that some rare people can do them and then move on to food and not gain the weight back, but I certainly was not one of them so you're not alone in this. :}

    Anyway, enjoy your new feeling of freedom and joy and I hope you get lots of compliments on those new tops when you wear them to work.

    Thanks for your support when you wrote on my blog, Tully. It's a pleasure to be adding your blog to my listing.

    Take care and hope to talk with you again very soon.


  4. Hallelujah sister!!!!Praise the lord etc etc and other random religious exclamations. :)This is one of the smartest posts Ive read recently.good for you!!!

  5. just wanted to say i think that you do deserve good clothes as does anyone who is a decent person with a good heart!

    good luck to you and if you do want to lash out on something while you are a bit bigger Taking Shape have some awesome clothes - expensive but well worth it, even for just one outfit. AND they usually do the whole 75% off thing before the new line comes in... worth a look if you can get to one.

    hope your journey continues and remember you're not a number!

  6. Wondered in over here from Marshmallow's blog. I understand the clothes dilemma. I swear I had 2 closets full of clothes and only a few I could wear. And now on the wt loss journey, I don't feel like buying more clothes as I'm reducing but I have bought a few, cause we I deserve it and so do you!! Though sometimes I feel I don't dress all that well as the selection of fat clothes and sometimes envy those that can wear the stylish wear.
    You are doing great and sound like your making good progress. That's great.

  7. New clothes are awesome! Congratulations! I'm enjoying "shopping in my own closet" right now. I have a lot of sizes in there!


Awww thanks so much for the comment!