I Deserve New Clothes!

Flush from the thrill of my shirt feeling looser a few days ago, I went shopping today and bought 2 new tops! So with the new top I bought from Target a few weeks ago and the top I bought to wear to my office Christmas party, I have 4 news additions to my wardrobe.

For the past 6 months at my new job I have had to plan a week in advance what I was going to wear every day because I only had about 5 tops. So I would watch the weather report for the week and work out which days I should wear my heavier tops and which days would be hotter, so I should wear my short sleeved tops.

It wasn't that I haven't been looking for new work clothes, I just couldn't find anything I liked. Fat peoples clothes are so expensive, and I refuse to spend $80 on a top that is ugly, so I have been holding out for clothes that I like. I also have an awkward shaped body (doesn't everyone...) in that I have a big belly and smaller arms, legs, chest bum. I am the classic apple. It makes it very difficult to find clothes that fit nicely.

So, with the new additions to my wardrobe, I now have about 9-10 wearable work tops and I suddenly feel like I have a new found freedom!!! :-) It takes me back to when I was 18 years old and at my lowest adult weight (not sure the weight exactly, but I was an Australian size 14). I had just started uni and saved up all my money and gone on a HUGE shopping spree. I used to wake up in the morning and be excited about getting dressed because I had no many gorgeous clothes to choose from.

After that year I steadily gained weight and pretty much refused to buy any clothes in a larger size. I kept buying size 14 clothes and just left them in my wardrobe with the tags on, with the delusion that I would lose weight and they would fit me (I eventually gave them to the salvo's). I had a few "fat clothes" that would see me throughout every season. In fact, for every year and every season I could probably identify that one outfit that I would continually wear. In a strange way, those few items of clothing became like friends to me because I would rely on them to get me through some very tough times. A party or a job interview or something would come up where I would have to wear something other then trackie daks and I would be so grateful for "that sparkly red top" or "my good black shirt". By the end of the season they would be so faded, strectched and worn out that they had to chucked out.

Over the last year I have changed how I think about myself and my body. In the past I would never buy myself new clothes because, apart from thinking I was going to lose 20 kilos and it would be a waste of money to buy anything in my current size, I didn't think I deserved nice clothes. I thought that I was fat and worthless and did not deserve to spend money on myself or to look nice until I lost weight.

It wasn't just clothes that I thought I didn't deserve, I thought I didn't deserve to have friends, to be seen in public, to have a good job or even to get my hair cut. I always told myself that when I lost weight, then I would get to do/have these things.

About this time last year I started to change. I remember I was talking to my dad on the phone and he asked me if I had applied for any jobs lately. I said no, but described to him a great job that i had seen advertised. He was excited and asked when I was going to apply for it. I thought he was crazy and said that of course I was not going to apply for it because no one would give a great job like that to me. My dad was shocked and started telling me how lucky they would be to have me and how good I would be at it etc etc (you know all that stuff parents have to say...).

Anyway, it finally hit me and something just switched in my brain. I applied for the job, had 2 interviews with them, got down to the final 2 people, but didn't get the job. That was OK though because I had started to make the change. It was another 6 months before I got a great job (I did work in between, but in a shitty call centre job), but I did get one.

In the space of a year I have become a completely different person. I have a great job, I have made some awesome friends, I am happier, I laugh more, I don't hide away at home, my wardrobe has tripled and I even get regular hair cuts! I am still incredibly self conscious about my weight and occassionally lapse back to my old ways because it is a constant struggle, but I am working to accept myself- fat or thin.

I can't wait to wear my new tops to work this week!!!!!