Number 19

The day before my 30th birthday I decided to get a spray tan to give me more of a summer glow for the holidays, without realising that it was on my list of 30 before 30. So I managed to cross another item off before the deadline! I have to say that the whole event was probably as bad as I imagined, but no worse than I had imagined. If that makes sense.

I chose to keep my knickers on, mostly to cover my stomach, more than my private bits... The woman doing the spray tan was OK about the whole thing, but it's not everyday I stand (almost) naked and spread eagled in front of a stranger while she sprays tan onto me. Not my favourite thing to do.

I was supposed to sleep with the tan on and wash it of in the morning, but at about 12.30 am I went downstairs to go to bed and saw myself in the mirror and was a little horrified. I was dark, dark brown and looked ridiculous. The woman at the spray tan place told me I should expect this, but as it was my first spray tan I was still a little worried and decided not to risk it and so I washed it off that night before bed.

I was pretty happy with how the tan turned out, but next time I would be more careful with my hands because they were orange and horrible. I would definitely do it again, but at $40 a pop, it's not something I can afford every week... Why can't I be rich and famous. Sigh.

Oh god, this is hilarious, look how brown I am!

Arghhh, I'm scared, should I was it off???

The underwear line where spray tan meets natural colour. OMFG!

The next day, looking natural enough, except for those orange hands...

30 Rocks

The day has finally arrived, I am no longer a twenty-something, I am the big three oh. Apparently it hasn't made me grow up at all because I still think things like this are hilarious...

The t-shirt I found in Target... I just took of photo of me in it, but I kind of wish I bought it now ($10 from the mens section). I guess it's not that funny though considering most people I know in 'real life' don't know I have a lap band.

An extreme close up... because I need more close ups of my breasts on the internet...

'Tis The Season

I always hate this time of year because I have a crazy family, not funny crazy, but lunatic crazy. My mum has already told me she's taking the tree down and that I shouldn't bother coming home for Christmas, so who knows how Christmas will go this year. The fun never stops!

Anyway, I have a very bad pattern of weight gain around this time of year because this craziness drives me into a vat of ice cream and this year is looking no different. I feel so puffy and bloated from way too much eating and drinking and I just can't seem to stop. My clothes have already stopped fitting me and just looking in my closet makes me depressed. I am thinking I might need a mini detox after Christmas, just so that I can face the scales in the New Year. I am seriously considering a few days of optifast, but I am not sure I have it in me to drink that shit. If only there was a Sauv Blanc detox diet...

AJ and I were watching an old episode of 30 Rock the other night and a scene came on where Liz Lemon is watching TV, wearing a 'slanket' and eating a plate of cheese in the middle of the night. AJ looked at me and asked if perhaps I could see any similarities between myself and Liz Lemon in that scene... Then five minutes later, in the worst case of timing, I happen to be eating a Magnum ice cream in my dressing gown and the whole ice cream falls off the stick onto my chest and arm. I don't have any free hands to clean it up because I am holding the stick with one hand (which still has a little ice cream on it) and my other arm has a chunk of ice cream sitting on it, so I have to ask AJ to help get the ice cream off me. Not my finest moment.

I then despair that I will have to wash my dressing gown now and AJ says: "isn't that like the third time this month that this has happened?". I actually think it might be the fourth time...

Oh dear... I think I need to get out of my dressing gown, put away the ice cream and get off the couch.

Bun In The Oven

No, I am not pregnant, but that isn't stopping people from thinking I am...

When I was really big I didn't really ever get mistaken for being pregnant because I looked fat rather than pregnant I guess. I was always grateful for being saved the humiliation of people asking me when the baby was due, but I noticed it seemed to happen to a lot of my thinner friends. A girl I work with shared a few hilarious stories of when she was mistaken for being pregnant, even though she isn't really fat at all. A particularly bad situation was when she started a big impressive job as a lawyer in the US and they held a drinks reception for her, when she went to the bar with her colleagues the bar tender refused to serve her because he said it is illegal to serve alcohol to a pregnant woman. I think I would have to quit my job after having that happen in front of new colleagues.

Anyway, the reason I am bringing this up is because 3 times in the past few weeks I have got onto a packed tram and a young guy has jumped up and offered his seat to me. The first time I thought it was odd, the second time I wondered if guys were getting more chivalrous and the third time I realised it wasn't a coincidence and they must think I am pregnant. There is just no other reason why these guys would offer their seats to me, I am perfectly capable of standing up on the tram.

It happened again yesterday and I took the seat that was offered because I thought the guy was giving it to me because he was getting off the tram, but then he didn't get off until we got to the city... half an hour later... I sat there the entire time completely mortified and put my bag on my lap to cover my stomach. AJ happened to be with me that day and he thought the whole thing was hysterical. Nice to be a guy and not have to worry about these things.

I got dressed this morning and AJ says to me "That's nice, you don't look pregnant". I guess that is what passes for a compliment these days...

Number 23

With only 8 days to go until I turn 30, I was totally surprised this morning with number 23 from my 30 Before 30 list.

23. Buy myself an exquisite piece of jewellery

My younger brother and his girlfriend had organised (through AJ because they live in Canada) to buy me a lovely piece of jewellery from Tiffany's and wanted me to get it a little early as they are leaving for a holiday in Peru soon. OK, so technically I didn't buy it myself, but this is even better if you ask me!

I have to say that I love big cheap jewellery (I live in Diva) and I have never had a fancy piece of jewellery and so I thought it was about time I started to act a little grown up. I have drooled over the jewellery in Tiffany's many times and lusted after the day I could have a special piece for myself. So I am beyond thrilled to have a gorgeous piece that I'll be able to keep forever.

OK, so I suppose you want to see photos...

That bag and box that can take a girls breath away...

It looks so pretty I almost don't want to open it...

Exactly want I want, big silver hoops! I wear cheap silver hoops every day that make my ears bleed, but I feel naked without them, now I have good quality ones I can wear without infection!

A close up of me wearing them... and a goofy smile...

Me showing off my new earrings... before running out the door and realising I am running seriously late for work!

Oh and they also sent me this too... chocolate and champagne... I have to admit that I have already demolished most of this...

Turning 30 is suddenly not seeming so bad...

Number 24

I turn 30 in just over a week and in April 2009 I wrote a list of things I wanted to do before I turn 30 and I updated it in June 2010, but that poor list has been seriously neglected. I would have a very busy (and expensive) 10 days ahead of me if I were to try and complete it before I turn 30, but unfortunately that won't be happening. I'll give a full updated closer to my birthday, but over the weekend I was surprised that one of my most desired objectives from the list was ticked off.

My birthday is obviously at a shitty time of year, so I have a tradition with my dad and step-mum that they come down to Melbourne for a weekend close to my birthday and take me out to a fancy restaurant to celebrate, rather than doing anything on the day of my birthday. They came down this weekend and we were planning to go to the wonderful Flower Drum, but that day another restaurant called my dad and said they had a last minute availability, as he had put us on the waiting list a while ago. So a last minute change of plans meant we were now dining at Vue de Monde, my most sought after dining experience and number 24 on my list 30 things I wanted to do before I turn 30.

We ate the ten course degustation menu with wine matchings and it was the most amazing and exquisite experience of my life. The food was superb and was like eating a work of art and the wine pairings were impeccable. It is impossible for me to even say how fabulous this meal was, I just don't have the words to express what a wonderful experience this entire evening was. The restaurant was beautiful, the staff were so knowledgeable and the food and wine were perfection.

We started dinner at 8.00 pm and didn't leave the restaurant until 1.00 am and we ate and drank the entire time. Each course was more amazing than the next and each wine was more delicious, or maybe I was just getting drunk?! Every dish was made up of a complete mix of flavours and textures that any normal person would never imagine to put together and yet they were just perfect. I have eaten at a lot of the best restaurants in Melbourne and Sydney and this was just a level above anything I have experienced. OK, I have to stop talking because I am sounding like a complete wanker, but it was without a doubt one of the best nights of my life and the best birthday present ever.

Of course I have photos for you...

Me posing before we left home

Me and AJ getting a photo of us all glammed up

Drinking Dom Perignon, the restaurant upgraded our wines to 'very fancy' because it was my birthday

My dad and step-mum enjoying the champagne

One of the courses... when the top was lifted off the plate, smoke came out like a magic show

Me very much enjoying a glass of wine

The most tender wagyu beef I have ever eaten

 Cheese... yum

A pre-dessert of ice cream, popping candy and lemonade

Chocolate mousse souffle... AMAZING! God I wish I was eating that right now.

A dessert styled to look like cigarettes in an ash tray

One of the petit fours

Waiting for a taxi at the end of the night

I'm not sure if this will work because I have never posted a video, but while AJ and I were trying to get a photo of us before we went out, we accidentally put the camera on video and I just thought it was funny when I came across it. We look so stupid and I am doing the worst laugh!

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So how can someone with a lap band eat ten courses of food and wine, plus amuse bouches and petite fours? Well, luckily for me, I had .4 ml taken out of my band on Thursday (I now have 5.5 ml in a 10 ml band). Just in time! My band has been way too tight and I have been getting food stuck almost every day, so I got quite a large un-fill and I feel so much better already. Before the un-fill I would not have even been able to eat one course of food, let alone ten! Now I am back to being able to eat all foods- bread, sushi, meat and that's the way I like it. I would rather use a bit more self-restraint and be able to enjoy a diverse range of foods.

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For much better reviews of Vue de Monde and proper photography see these great blogs:
Tummy Rumbles
Eat Almost Anything
Second Helping
Gourmet Husbands

Well On My Way

I saw 77.6 kilos (170.5 lbs) on the scale this morning, which means that I now only have 10 kilos to lose before I have a healthy BMI. WOW. So now I can be one of those girls that walk around sighing, “I just wish I could lose 10 kilos”. Which is fine, but when you have 65 kilos to lose, your sympathy level for their 10 kilos is a little low. Well now I get to discover just how frigging hard it’s going to be to lose the last 10 kilos and perhaps I might be a little more sympathetic?! I know it’s all relative and whether you have 5 kilos or 100 kilos to lose, it’s bloody hard for us all.

Though I do have to say that for many years I have heard that it is much harder to lose weight when you only have a little to lose. It used to freak me out because when I had a LOT to lose it already seemed really hard and I wondered how much bloody harder it could get. For me personally, the hardest part was losing the first 30 kilos and the rest has been much easier.

It’s the mental stuff that I found much harder when I was at my biggest-- going to the gym, saying no to the bag of chips and waking up each morning with a commitment to a healthy lifestyle. When I was at my biggest I physically couldn’t fit on some gym machines, I got those looks from some of the members at the gym and I struggled to find work out clothing in my size. Exercising at my size was quite painful and I didn’t get the joy or sense of achievement from it that I get now. Even as I lost the first 30 kilos, barely anyone noticed I had lost weight and I didn’t drop more than one size in clothing. So each day was still a constant struggle because I wasn’t getting those rewards that come with losing weight and I wondered if it really mattered if I went and ate a tub of ice cream.

Now that I have lost over 50 kilos (110 lbs) there is barely an hour that goes by in each day where I’m not grateful or aware of how far I have come. There are just so many little things that have changed my life since I have lost weight, from people looking me in the eye when they talk to me, to being able to have a seat on the tram and losing the constant fear I carried with me all the time. I no longer feel I have to apologise for my existence and all these changes make it so much easier to drag my arse to the gym and to say no to that bag of chips. I am rewarded for my hard work in so many ways each day that it just makes it so much easier to keep going.

I guess the next 10 kilos will bring a whole new set of challenges and frustrations, but right now I am just grateful that I have made it this far.

Weekend Photos

No time to write anything much because I am going to try and get to the gym before they close for the night. I just wanted to update with some photos taken from the weekend.

Me at home before I headed out to my friend's place in Geelong for a girls night (ie. getting drunk). Can you tell I felt like an absolute knob posing for that photo?

Holding my friend's gorgeous 1-year-old girl (before we passed her off to the dad to look after for the night). I need to always carry a small child on my lap to cover my 'problem areas', so slimming...

Just hanging out at home on Sunday (with a hang over), but I was wearing a new top, so I thought I should take a photograph to see how it looked (I do that with all my new clothes). The top is size L from Jay Jays.

Me, once again feeling stupid trying to pose for a photo! I'm still in my size 18 jeans because the 16's I bought are just too tight. I hate you apple shaped body. Sigh.

Worst 'Before' Picture Ever

I'm having a lovely quiet Friday night at home all by myself (for the first time in ages), eating paddle pops and catching up on the TV shows in my planner. Then out of boredom I start looking through old photos on my computer and out of nowhere am faced with the most horrific photo of myself I have ever seen. It is so bad it almost took my breath away.

I don't think I knew this photo existed, otherwise I obviously would have deleted it a long time ago. Though I have to admit that it is a pretty accurate representation of how I looked at the time, as hard as it is to admit.

Brace yourself... If you click on it you get to see the large version with pimples and all.

 

May 2009

18 months and 50 kilos later, thank god for the lap band...

November 2010

December Weigh In

Big sigh. Today was not a good weigh in, I only lost 1.2 kilos (2.5 lbs) for the month. I guess that wouldn't be so bad, but I actually tried quite hard to lose weight this month. I had a lot on with work and I went above and beyond to get my gym sessions in and eat lightly. I guess I just couldn't un-do the damage of those cookies and cream ice cream binges. I'm still in the 70's though, so it's not all bad news.

December 1st Weigh In: 79.1 kilos (174 lbs)
Weight Lost In Sept/Oct: 1.2 kilos (2.5 lbs)
Total Weight Lost: 50.6 kilos (111 lbs)

I really wanted to get to 75 kilos by the end of this year and, given that I have stuff on almost every day until the end of this month, that's probably not going to happen. Not only will I be eating out most days, I'll also be consuming way too much alcohol, and not be able to get to the gym as much. Actually, that sounds like fun, what am I complaining about?!

I am genuinely excited about all the lovely things I have on over December, and of course having a whole 2 weeks off work, so I'm not going to let the scales get in the way of my fun. I would love to just get off another couple of kilos to give me some room to move in my new dresses because they are still feeling slightly snug across my belly. I'll do my best to get in some gym sessions and not to be a complete pig, but I can't make any promises!

Happy December!!! 

Wet and Wild

I've just returned from a whirlwind weekend away to Echuca for my high school best friend K's 30th birthday celebrations. She hired a houseboat for 12 of us and we spent the weekend drinking in the hot tub, exploring the local wineries and eating some delicious foods. I didn't really know any of her friends on the boat (they were all uni friends), but it was great to see how much she is loved by her friends and I think she had a great time.

It was so weird to be with my old high school best friend while she was turning 30. We stayed up late on Saturday night chatting about where our lives are and where we thought we would be by now. How we feel left behind and unsatisfied in so many areas of our lives. I've been thinking a lot about that stuff lately because my 30th is just around the corner and it was so reassuring to hear that K felt the same. Hmmm, lots to think about, or maybe I just need to stop being so dramatic...

Driving the house boat turned into quite a drama and we actually hit a few other boats and trees and couldn't even park the boat. The boys driving were quite stressed out, but I was quietly giggling at the mishaps we kept having. At one point we were in the hot tub on the roof of the boat and one girl was nearly decapitated by a tree branch and then 5 minutes later we hit another boat head on. OK, it sounds pretty bad, but it was very funny.

Karma came back to bite my arse when I took a major spill. In my defense, it wasn't really my fault, even though I was drunk... We had torrential rain and flooding this weekend and as I was walking back to the houseboat on Saturday night in the pouring rain, the ground literally collapsed under me like quicksand and I slid down the muddy river bank. I was covered in mud from head-to-toe and I had to throw out my hand bag because it was such a mess. My BRAND NEW shoes are also completely trashed, but I am hoping to try and save them because I love them so much. I'm so glad to be home now and finally warm and dry because I don't deal with getting muddy very well.

Some photos...

Me and my high school best friend at her 30th. We are both a little worse for wear by this stage and my drunken lazy eye has come out to play, but it's the only photo I have from the night.

The injuries, this actually hurts way more than it looks.

Recovery back home on the couch. Despite how it may look, I am wearing pants in this photo...

I told AJ to get out of my photo and his cheeky head popped up from behind the couch. Plus you can see all my dirty secrets-- the TV shopping network reflecting in the balcony door window and the two blocks of chocolate sitting on the couch...

Clothes and Shoes and Other Girly Things

I know I shouldn't post about buying pretty new clothes without pictures to show you, but I have heaps of things coming up over the next fews weeks where I'll be wearing them and I promise I'll post pictures when I am glammed up. Right now I need to wax my legs, paint my toe nails, slap on some fake tan and put on some make up, and I am too vain to post pictures of myself in this sorry state.

I did wear my new size 16 jeans today and it turns out that I don't actually have a muffin top above them like I thought, I actually have a whole three tiered wedding cake instead! In fact, after wearing them all day I could actually need a new kidney. These jeans may have been a premature purchase... Nothing like a little extra motivation I guess!

While I am talking shopping, I also had to buy some new shoes recently. Why you ask (well as if I need an excuse)? I have actually gone down a whole shoe size since I lost weight. I have heard people say this happens, but I didn't think I carried any extra weight on my feet and they were always the thinnest part of my body. So now I have gone from a size 8 to a size 7 (God I wish I was talking about jeans sizes instead of shoe sizes) and I need all new shoes. This losing weight business is freaking expensive.

Can I just ask one question while we are talking girly stuff? It's coming on summer here and I look so much better (thinner) with a tan, but applying fake tans are beyond messy, smelly and annoying. So the beauty shop downstairs from my apartment does spray tans and I am thinking of getting one. Has anyone ever had one? Do they look natural at all and will I have to be naked?

FINALLY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Today has been a momentous day for me...

1. I saw a number on the scale that started with a 7. I haven't seen a number on the scales that starts with a 7 in my adult life and I would estimate the last time I weighed in the 70's I was 12 years old. Prior to having a lap band my lowest adult weight was 90 kilos (when I was 18 for about 6 months) and today I weighed 79.3 kilos (174.5 lbs). I think it's going to take a while for this to sink in.

2. I have now officially lost 50 kilos (110 lbs). Wow, I cannot believe I used to carry that much extra weight on me every day. No wonder life used to feel so hard.

3. I went shopping today and I fit into size 16 jeans. There is major muffin top, but they'll stretch... I also bought 2 dresses in size 16 from Portmans. I think I can now officially say that I can wear 'normal' sized clothing. Oh my god, I did not think this day would ever arrive. Even as a teenager I didn't fit into 'normal' sized clothes and I had to wear my mum's clothes or she would make them for me and now I can walk into almost any shop and find something to wear. I could cry with happiness.

Now I'm going to go to the gym because I figure getting on the treadmill will be easy while I am walking on air!

Sickness, Jobs and The Big O

There is not much happening in terms of weight loss for me at the moment. It really hasn't been a focus while I am not feeling the best. I haven't been able to exercise because I haven't had the energy and I am one of those people who just cannot shift weight without quite vigorous exercise. So I have just been staying away from the scales and trying not to worry about it too much.

The sensible side of my brain constantly tells me not to diet or restrict my eating, but the side of my brain that has dieted for 25 years wants to say 'starve yourself so you don't gain weight'. Then I get confused and dive into a tub of cookies and cream ice cream! Damn you ice cream and BBQ crisps for sliding through my band so nicely.

Work is incredibly busy at the moment and that, teamed with the lack of sleep, is making me feel a little frazzled. I actually lost my shit altogether on Friday and broke down in the bathrooms at work after a colleague was quite rude to me. It was definitely an over-reaction on my part, I have encountered way meaner people than him and been OK. I have never cried at work before, I used to take a lot of abuse in my last job and I made a rule that I would never cry at work (though I did cry once in the car after a particularly abusive client, but I made it to the car, so that doesn't count right?). So it goes to show that I am kind of at my wits end at the moment and I don't feel like myself.

I am off to see an infectious diseases specialist next week at the Royal Melbourne Hospital. I have been through every test possible and they can see my body has an infection, but they don't know what it is just yet. In the mean time, I haven't been able to do much and I'm boooored. So I kind of feel like I have nothing to say at the moment except 'I'm tired' and 'I'm bored', so I am doing you a big favour by not blogging much.

OK, so the has been very 'woe is me' post, so let me lighten the mood with less depressing news. Last week wasn't all bad, I was given an employment opportunity at a previous employer. I was actually walked off the premises by security when I gave my notice because I was going to a competitor . So the fact they would offer me a job out of the blue was quite a shock. I did turn them down for numerous reasons, but it kept life interesting for a couple of days.

In other news, a certain American talk show host who is coming to Australia in December contacted me with a possible opportunity to be on her Sydney show for a make-over. Ultimately I decided not to go ahead with it because, despite what it may seem like on this blog, I am actually a very private person and I just couldn't handle the idea of my business being on TV. I had an instant panic attack at the mere idea of the whole situation, so I knew I had to say no and I don't regret it at all.

OK, I have a date with a hot shower and the fresh sheets on my bed.

Protein?

I know I am a very bad bandster for not knowing about protein, so I am really hoping you guys can clue me in a little...

I have noticed on a lot of the American lap band blogs that I read that you all focus a lot on eating protein and it seems to be a strict rule from your doctors. My doctor has never mentioned that I need to eat protein, but I am thinking I really should from what I have seen you guys saying. Aside from anything, you guys mention it can really boost weight loss and I am all about that. Does anyone know why eating more protein helps you lose weight?

I would say the foods I eat most now are eggs, seafood and legumes, which are all great for protein, but I am still not eating that much because I can only eat such small portions now. I guess I need to try a protein shake, but I am nervous because I have read how disgusting so many of them are to drink. Plus, we really don't have the range available to us over here in Australia that my North American friends have. I would love to hear from anyone that has any advice on great protein shakes or ways you add more protein into your diet. 

Thanks so much for taking the time to help out, I feel completely clueless about all this!

November Weigh In

I haven't been weighing myself lately because I knew I was bloated and I haven't been able to exercise due to being sick. I have also been reaching for more than my share of comfort food... So I wasn't feeling my best and didn't really want to worry about what the scale said when I was feeling crappy enough. Yesterday was the 1st of November and I thought I might have a look at the scales and see how I am tracking (I skipped my October weigh in because I was in Bali).

November 1st Weigh In: 80.3 kilos (176.5 lbs)
Weight Lost In Sept/Oct: 5.2 kilos (11.5 lbs)
Total Weight Lost: 49.4 kilos (108.5 lbs)

The most exciting part? I am just a whisker away from being in the 70's and also having lost a total of 50 kilos. Until recently I had never even weighed in the 80's, so being in the 70's would be completely surreal to me. Prior to having a lap band my goal was always just to get under 100 kilos and now here I am less than a kilo away from the 70's. I mean I have friends I would call 'thin' who weigh in the 70's (granted they are taller than me).

I am not actively dieting at the moment or obsessing about numbers on the scale, but that doesn't mean it wouldn't be freaking awesome to get into the 70's. I think there is a possibility I could cry when I do actually see a number starting with a 7 on the scales.

Stay tuned!

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On another note, go follow and support new bandit Christina's awesome blog: Daegu Fattie

Mistaken Identity

I think I got the biggest compliment of life at work the other day, without the person even knowing that she gave me one. I was talking with the girl who shares an office with me about diets because she was thinking about trying low carb. I told her I did Atkins a couple of years ago and lost about 8 kilos and that low carb really works if you can stick with it (I couldn't). She was shocked that I had lost 8 kilos and said:

"You must have been tiny, that is a lot of weight to lose off your small frame."

I was literally lost for words and I couldn't respond. No one has ever thought of me as 'little' before. Of course, she doesn't realise that I used to weigh 130 kilos and that when I actually lost those 8 kilos it wasn't really noticeable to anyone.

Another weird thing that happened at work was when I walking down the corridor and I could here a woman calling out "Jess". That's not my name, so I just ignored it, but she kept persisting. I was the only person around, so I had to stop and see what she wanted. I turned around and she said "Oh sorry, you're not Jess". I could not believe she had mistaken me for my size 12 colleague, I mean aside from anything, my colleague is a hell of a lot more stylishly dressed and put together than I am!

It's so weird to know people now who don't know I used to be morbidly obese. I wouldn't mind telling people, except that I don't know people at this job that well yet and I'm only here until February so I don't feel the need to over-share.

I am starting to feel like I have entered the Twilight Zone.

Sick and Sicker

Here is a perfect example of why I don’t like my band being so tight. Last Friday I decided to treat myself to some sushi for lunch (I never buy my lunch, I’m too much of a tight arse). While walking back to work with my sushi, I ran into two colleagues who were delighted to see I had gone to their favourite sushi place. They said they go there all the time and I must come with them next time. Of course I agreed, I really like these girls and I was happy to be making some new work friends. So I get back to work and discover that with the restriction in my band I couldn’t even get one bite of sushi down. I ended up picking the salmon out of the middle and just eating that. So, since Friday they have asked me to go for sushi with them three times and I have said no and used the excuse that I have already bought my lunch in, but they are going to think I am being rude soon. There is no way I can get any sushi down and this place only sells sushi rolls, so I can’t even order anything else. God I hate being weird…

In my continuing saga of sickness (yes I realise this topic is getting boring), I went to a good doctor yesterday at the recommendation of B, who was kind enough to share her doctor with me. I have had a lot of tests done and have more to do in my lunch break today and over the weekend and so far the doctor thinks I either have a parasite or malaria. So I guess that explains why I have felt like dying for the past few weeks. I’ll share something horrific with you, because there is no way I am telling anyone I know in my life outside the internet. Brace yourselves… I have to give a stool sample. I know, I can’t believe it myself. I asked if there was any way around this mortifying event and the doctor said I can’t have the drugs to make me better until I do it. So my Friday night involves a packet of laxatives and some sample jars. Oh my god.

So it hasn’t been a good week, but I am focussing on the fact that it is Friday, it’s my pay day and it’s going to be 28 degrees today, so it’s not all bad!

Blah Blah Blah

It seems there are a lot of us out there in blogworld feeling down and out lately, I’m not sure what it is about this time of year, but I feel very blah too. Well actually, feeling blah would be a massive improvement on my disposition right now. I feel like I constantly try to count my blessings and look on the bright side, but this last week has delivered a few severe blows that it just seems like one thing after the other and I just can’t even see the positives in anything anymore.

So you can see why I have been avoiding my blog, no one wants to hear all this negative crap and I also just haven’t had the energy to write anything. When I am not feeling the best I just don’t care about my weight and I want to eat. I know people say that comfort eating doesn’t make you feel better, but I disagree, well it makes me feel better anyway…

One thing I am grateful for at the moment is my lap band. Since I got a fill a couple of weeks ago it has really helped me cut down my portions. I have been eating whatever I feel like (including lots of foods heavy in butter and sugar… whoops) and not exercising because I have been too sick and I haven’t gained any weight. It feels like I am over-eating, but I am obviously not doing as bad as I think if my weight is holding steady.

I have been banded for about 18 months and I only now feel like I actually have a lap band. I can finally relate to all the things I have seen you all write about on your lap band blogs, like being tight in the morning, certain foods sticking, not having an appetite for half a day, then being ravenous another day…

I actually thought for a while there that I must have such a bad over-eating problem that the band wouldn’t work for me. I was still able to eat crazy amounts of foods and to lose any weight I had to feel hungry and deprived all the time. Now I can see that I just didn’t have my restriction right and that when I have the band properly filled it will work.

That being said, I am not sure how long I’ll keep my band this tight. It’s good on one hand because I just physically can’t eat a lot of food. This is perfect for me in my current mindset because I need all the help I can get. Ultimately though, I think I’d rather have the band a little looser because I am finding it difficult to eat a lot of foods and eating out is also hard. I look weird because I have to eat so slowly and I am finding I have started to avoid eating in social situations. This doesn’t work with my lifestyle and I would rather have to work a little harder to get the weight off and be able to enjoy eating with my friends and family. I also want to be able to go to restaurants without having to sneak off to the bathroom because something is stuck. I know it seems like I want it all, but I do think I’ll be able to strike the right balance if I keep trying.

It's All About Balance

The whole reason I decided to get a lap band was because I had finally realised that diets don't work. I have been on a diet since I was 5 years old and have succeeded in getting fatter every year until I was morbidly obese. The problem is that even when I got the lap band I stuck with the old diet mentality of thinking I had to be hungry and deprived to lose weight. This was mostly because I wasn't 'working' my lap band by having enough restriction in it due to my employment situation. I was also pushing myself to do exercise I didn't enjoy and I wasn't achieving the balance I wanted in my life. Basically, weight loss was still a huge bloody effort.

I read a lot of weight loss surgery blogs and what I have noticed is that a lot of the people who have been successful in losing weight and living a balanced life are the ones that stopped dieting when they had their surgery. They listen to their bodies and eat when they are hungry and eat foods that sustain their bodies. I haven't been doing a very good job of listening to my body, both in forcing myself to be hungry, and also over eating.

I seem to constantly be putting a lot of pressure on myself to get to a certain weight by a certain day, which only encourages my starve and binge mentality. As with any diet, you can only sustain the behaviour for a limited period of time before you come undone. That is the point I am at now, but I feel strangely calm about it all of a sudden. I realised on the weekend that if I don't lose another kilo for the rest of my life, that would be OK. I would actually like to lose more weight, but accepting that I am OK as I am now and I don't have to hate myself has been a huge relief.

Of course it's not as simple as just saying that and erasing 25 years of bad behaviours and self-hatred... I think it'll take a lot of work to achieve the balance I am after, but that will be my new goal from now on. Instead of striving for a particular number on the scale or a size on my clothes, I just want to feel good about my body and my health. I want to eat food I enjoy and that makes my body feel good and I want to do exercise that puts a smile on my face. That doesn't mean that I wouldn't love to squeeze my arse into a pair of size 10 jeans or see 65 kilos on the scales one day, but I am not going to define my self-worth on these factors.

I must admit that this isn't the first time these thoughts have crossed my mind, but I am determined to work harder on putting these thoughts into practice. Life is just too short to diet.

Green Zone?

I'm still out with this virus I got in Bali and have taken the last couple of days off work to sleep. The doctor said I could be sick up to a month and that is normal with these things, so I am really hoping I feel better soon because this is awful. The sun has finally been shining here in Melbourne (well, sometimes) and I am laid up on the couch and not able to enjoy the spring.

Unfortunately I am not one of those people who lose their appetite when they are sick and I am up 5 freaking kilos since my lowest weight and I feel Terrible. Miserable. Disgusting. I still can't seem to stop binge eating and I am not really sure why. I was going to list the amount of food I ate yesterday, but I am seriously too embarrassed. I think I would mortify you bandsters if you knew the amount of food I could put away.

So today I made a last minute appointment to get a fill in my band in the hope it would help. The doctor put .3 mls in, taking me to 5.9 mls in a 10 ml band, and I can feel the difference already. I don't want to speak too soon, but I think I might finally have this restriction I have heard you guys talk about. I might finally be in the green zone! (touch wood) I only managed to eat half my lean cuisine tonight before stopping because I was so full. Normally I eat a lean cuisine, then dessert and then twitch with hunger all night, but right now I am positively stuffed.

I am quite excited that I might finally be using this band correctly!

What's Going On

I am not feeling the best and can't string together a thought, so here is a few things I am thinking...

Firstly, I have gotten sicker and sicker since returning from Bali and starting to think my Bali belly have turned into malaria. I have fever and chills all day and night and can barely pick up my toothbrush to brush my teeth at the moment. I have travelled a lot and I know what jet lag is and this definitely not jet lag. I am trying to get in to see a doctor, but so far the 5 I have tried are either not taking new patients or are booked out. I was too tired to try anymore after that. OK, I might be being a touch dramatic, I probably don't have malaria.

Secondly, I want to eat many of these delicious looking morsels from It Pleases Us.  

Chocolate Peanut Butter Squares

Mmmm, they would slip right through the band. Delicious.

Thirdly, I have made a decision to never purchase clothes that are too small for me again and I feel so liberated. I have a weird body shape and trying on clothes that I have bought and are too small for me week, after week to see if they fit yet makes me feel shiteous. They are always too tight across my stomach and then starting to get too big in the shoulders and look terrible. Why buy clothes that are too tight when you can buy clothes that look fabulous right now?

Fourthly, of all the photos of myself that I have seen from Bali, some nice and some hideous, the one that surprised me the most was this one. It's not the most flattering photo of me by a long shot, but I just look normal.

Fifthly, working sucks. FULL STOP.

Bali Photos

It's time for photos from Bali! Now, as usual, most photos will feature my big head because I am not sure my travel companions were thrilled to be featured in my pictures. Check out their blogs (B, Amanda and her boy) in case they post more pictures, plus they all had fancy pants cameras and they know stuff about photography so their photos are a lot better than mine!

Alila resort where we stayed, no photos can do this place justice, it was beautiful.

The resort reception, we were welcome here with a lovely refreshing drink after a long and hot flight.

The pool at Alila, it was more amazing than this photo shows. I want to live here!

I spent my first morning sitting by the pool watching the monkey's play. They were starting to freak me out by the end and didn't seem quite so cute.

Me after a dawn swim on my first morning in Bali.

The rice fields in Ubud.

Me in the rice fields in Ubud, after having to practically jump a river to get there, all I am thinking in this photo is 'how the fuck am I going to get back?'.

The water temple in Ubud.

Me sitting at the water temple in Ubud, the tour guide insisted I sit down for this photo (not my best angle) and you can see my chest is all puffed up from trying to suck my stomach in!

To enter a certain part of the water temple I had to put on this sarong and my old fat girl fears just kept thinking that it wouldn't fit.

The water temple.

Me at the gates of the temple. I love how the tour guide managed to make me look like I have long legs in this photo. I need to hire him to take all photos of me from now on.

A woman roasting coffee beans at a coffee plantation.

The delicious teas and coffees I got to try at the coffee plantation.

Me standing in front of Batur volcano. The boys in our group got up at 3.00am to hike to it's summit, I have never been so glad not to be a boy!

Drinking a yummy cocktail at dinner in Ubud.

The markets in Ubud.

More of the markets in Ubud.

Me at the markets on the morning of the bride's hens day.

The markets again, the people and food was just amazing.

All the motorbikes parked out the front of the markets, everyone in Bali rides motorbikes and the roads are very scary!

Me at the bride's hens day (bachelorette) at a cooking class.

The cooking instructors (check out the creepy photo behind them).

Some of the delicious food we 'helped' make.

More of the food we 'helped' make, oh those duck skewers were so freaking good.

Me at the bride's hens mojito and ribs night. The food and drinks were just delicious! I am having mojito withdrawals as we speak.

Me after being out shopping with B in Ubud, behind that smile I am questioning why the hell I purchased a stone mortar and pestle that I have to carry around all night...

Every tourist to Bali has to drink Bintang!

Me at the pool in the resort relaxing before the wedding.

Where I had some spa treatments at the resort before the wedding, the outdoor shower was amazing.

The massage table at the resort, best massage I have ever had!

Me before the wedding. My hair didn't stay like that for long, hello humidity!

Pouring champers for B, Amanda and her boy in my room before the wedding.

The wedding ceremony area.

Balinese musicians at the wedding ceremony.

Balinese cultural ceremony at the wedding.

The torrential rain that came down right after the wedding. Lucky the bride had a wonderful sense of humour about it all.

The pool where the wedding reception was held. My photos don't do this justice, the lighting was magnificent.

The wedding reception before everyone arrived.

Me laughing because of my embarrassment at my boobs hanging out of my dress all night. Must remember to do the sit down test in new clothes to see how low cut things become when sitting down!

A photo of my party shoes that I took with B's camera, you are lucky not to see the photos I also took of my boobs on Amanda's camera!

I wish I could show you more photos of how beautiful the bride looked and my snazzy travel buddies, but I won't be mean and do that to them. Just know they looked good!

Now I have post-holiday depression and need to plan my next holiday. Where should I go next, Thailand, Europe, New York??? All three would suit me actually.